The Big Mistake ...

I will not go into great detail on most thing but do want to make sure that I cover at least the highlights.  So here is my second entry regarding our own journey in D/s ...

We did play around in SL by slowly adding some initial aspects of D/s.  We started to do more formal discussions, or sessions as they became to be known, where she would kneel before me as I sat in my chair looking very regal.  This actually proved to be a great way for us to communicate.

Sure we were the same people that had always talked as a couple, but all of a sudden it felt different and oddly much easier to discuss many things.  We found that we were using SL to open new channels of communication and it was bringing us much closer together.  If I were to get nothing else out of D/s that alone could have possibly been enough.

Limits

We knew the importance of boundaries, or limits as they are normally referred to.  I found a very complete list to use as a template, modified it to cover both our RL and SL lives and added a few other items to it.  We both filled it out independently and then swapped our lists.

As I read over the list I received from my partner I was somewhat surprised by what I read.  Not that there were many differences, just a few surprises of things that were not hard limits as I had expected them to be.

We discussed our lists together after we both had a chance to digest them, made a few modification, and started to move forward.  Even though there had been a few surprises I did trust that what my partner has put down to be correct however this proved later to be a bump in the road and the source of a problem and a poor reaction on my part, one of my mistakes as a noob dominant.  This however I realize and we did work through it and now better understand why honesty and openness is so critical.

A Bad Reaction

This was perhaps not my first mistake during our journey but I was a really big one.  I am not proud for the fact that I allowed my emotions to take over from logic and I failed to remain calm and in control.  In fact I sort of blew up and told her that I would ask for my collar back if this ever happened again.

Yes, I did what is perhaps one of the worst things a dominant can do to a submissive.  I am not proud of it, however I do own my responsibility to what I did.

So why had I reacted so badly?

Well, up to this point we had discussed, and I thought, we were both in full agreement of the requirement for complete openness and honesty as we proceeded into our D/s expiration and this new lifestyle.   I am not going to go into specific details as I do believe that those should remain private however this unfortunate event came about shortly after we had established our limits.

During one of our sessions I had been asking several questions, in my own attempts to ensure that I was understanding everything that we had both agreed to up to now.  I took pride in the fact that I was able to completely trust what my partner was telling me and felt she also had trust in me as well.  Heck, if we did not have that level of trust what were we doing in this place anyhow?

After a few questions that night  my partner informed me that she felt she needed to change her mind on a few of the limits.  OK, this was fine I thought, we should always be able to change our limits as we evolve so she proceeded to tell me her new feelings about what she wanted to change.

I inquired as to why she felt the need to change this and she told me that as she was talking with a close friend that day that she realized she felt differently, and that she felt very strongly about it also.

Now at this moment I was somewhat taken back but still remained in control as I considered the impacts of what she was telling me.  I was disappointed in her change of heart on this but accepting of it also.  Had things been left there for me to digest everything then I don't think I would have reacted as I had.

Unfortunately this is where things took a turn for the worse.  She felt the need to explain why she had changed her mind.  However much of what I was hearing were little more than excuses in what I felt was an attempt to cover up the fact that in fact she had not been honest with me in the first place during many of our discussions.  I felt that the trust I had placed in everything she had told me had been broken and I was devastated as I considered all the possible repercussions had I proceeded based on the information I had been given.

All of a sudden I saw no foundation from which we could even start anything D/s related and certainly not one where anything could continue.

And to make matters worse, even though I had told her to stop on the subject for now she continued to try to explain and gave more explanations and excuses.  This only served to anger me which added to increase my concerns of any possibility for this to continue.

So, in a moment of which I am not proud, I informed her that if anything like that ever happened again I would ask for my collar to be removed and returned to me.  Was this wrong?  In many ways yes it was, however I also saw no way that we could ever continue in a D/s relationship if we did not both have complete openness and honesty between ourselves.

So what was the real problem?

Well, as any couple does, we both have a different take on what really happened.  I accept that she has her's even though I do not believe she is being completely honest with herself even and certainly does not understand why I was so upset.

One of the things that I do, for good or for bad, is that I rarely look at any single event or action.  I look for the pattern, the context from which these actions were derived.  I do not believe that these patterns in our lives change very much, and if they do, they certainly do not so do overnight or on a whim.

When I considered all the conversations we had had up to that point, all the things we discussed over and over, all the things we told each other we agreed to, I saw that one of these patterns had done a 180 degree shift all at once.  This was not a change of mind, but rather a change of her core being in my mind and this was not possible.

I looked back at a number of the things where I had been told things that surprised me, several of which were directly related to this "new" change of mind I saw a definite pattern.  I felt that she had, as she had a tendency to do sometimes, been telling me what she felt I wanted to hear and not what was truly in her heart and at the core of her soul.  This meant that she was not being open and honest with me!

So what happened?

Well of course we ended our session for that night, there was no way that either of us would be able to discuss anything until be digested what just happened.  I know she was left devastated by what I had said to her, and I left wondering how anything could even continue.

I think we both spoke with a mutual friend that was supportive of us both, although I think she was less supportive of me on this one.  In fact she kind of gave me an earful as she told me what she saw and how she felt I over reacted.  I did not agree with everything she was telling me since there was some context she was not aware of.  However no matter what I wanted to know what she saw from her perspective and accepted all her information so I could digest it.

The Resolution

As I considered everything that happened, everything I had been told, everything I knew about my partner I still felt that she had not been honest with me.  However I also felt that in this case she had in fact not been honest with herself either. So if this were true then she could not have been lying to me when in fact she should have left such a subject as undecided until she better understood herself.

Now that I was able to find a logical explanation for what had happened there was a solid basis from which we could approach a resolution to this and find a way to repair the rift that had been created the night before.

I was not at home at that time so I sent a quick message to my partner in the hopes that it would help at least start to put her mind at ease that she would  not lose me over this.

That night we had another session to discuss very openly what and why things transpired as they did.  We were able to both come to an understanding and took from it a few valuable lessons on the critical importance of complete honesty and openness between us, as well as with ourselves.  We also agreed that if there was anything that either of us was not certain about that it would be identified as such and not a simple yes/no but rather an undecided.

We also took another lesson away,  one that I know she still struggles with at times, but where it is always best to answer questions with short and concise responses.  To not keep adding information that was not asked for.  This too had been part of the catalyst for the very bad reaction that started it all.

It took a while, a lot of discussions, and a lot of work to bring everything back on-track after what had happened.  In many ways I do regret what happened however we both took responsibility for our actions and responses and learned from it.  In the end it has helped to bring us even closer and I would hope continues to ensure that we are truly open and honest with each other as well as with ourselves at all times.

So what was so bad about it all?

If you are still reading then I believe you deserve to know a bit more of why this "thing" had evoked such a bad reaction.  I have not been specific of what happened, and for all you know, she perhaps decided that she never wanted to wear red.

I am still not going to go into specifics as they remain private however I will hopefully provide the overall context.

The reason all of this had been so bad, at least in my mind, was that although some of the initial discussions and limits had been surprising to me I did put complete trust that they had all been correctly vetted and were in fact solidly established up to that point.  The "thing" was not a single item but a much larger group of feelings and a direction from which many other things could have transpired.

What made this "thing" so very bad was that it opened doors to situations for which I may have put my partner into, knowing that we had already agreed, these things were not only acceptable but somewhat wanted.  The suddenly only to discover that we would have found ourselves in a situation for which neither of us was properly prepared.  It would have potentially put my partner in harms way, more mentally than physically, but very much one for which I would not have been prepared to handle.  This could have had devastating consequences.

For me there was also an additional aspect to all of this.  I had finally came to a place where I put complete trust in what my partner was telling me.  Even though some of the things may have surprised me and been unexpected, I had put complete faith in the fact that there were indeed correct and valid.  I stopped second guessing whenever anything surprised me and I took pride in the fact that I was able to trust everything I was being told.  This however also meant that my complete trust was perhaps premature and threw many things in doubt for me.

The Message

So yes, I have made mistakes along the way.  I would like to say that is my only one but I am flawed, just like everyone else.  I am trying much harder to remain in control and to never allow emotion to take over.

I can not stress enough the importance of communication.  It is of critical importance that you talk about EVERYTHING.  But don't just talk, be open and honest.  Do not just say something because you don't want to disappoint your partner.  Don't just say something to try and impress your partner either.

Be 100% open and honest in every way possible.  Be 100% open and honest with yourself at all times. If you are undecided about something or don't fully understand something, say so.  Your partner and your relationship will thank you for it in the end.

I would also say that you should try and answer questions without adding "extra" or unnecessary and perhaps irrelevant information.  Know that if more information is needed it will be asked for by the other partner.  It is surprising how many misunderstandings can be avoided this way.  It also helps to keep discussions on track and flowing

I would also suggest that all partners agree that there will be times where either of you may not be able to discuss, or continue to discuss a particular subject.  Agree to allow such subjects to be deferred to another time whenever either partner feels the need to.  This may not always be easy but without a way out in "those" moments, there is no way to remain in control of your emotions.  It does not mean that you will not talk about it, and please do not use it to simply avoid a subject, but do try to always remain in control of your emotions during discussions with your partner.