Responsibility and Ownership

I wanted to write more about our own journey and what at least I have gained thus far however as I sat down I found these thoughts screaming to get out. So bear with me as I perhaps rant a bit, but this is my blog so I can rant if I chose to.


The reality of “owning” someone 24/7 differs greatly from the fantasy image that so many have. How hard can it be? After-all she is now yours and has only one response to everything; “Yes my Master”. When is the throws of a sexual encounter, she can say either “Oh yes my Master”, “May I cum now my Master” or maybe even “Hmmmfff” because of the ball gag you put in her mouth.  But she has no real voice, right?


But consider the reality that the submissive has given herself into YOUR care and thus you are now RESPONSIBLE for her as well as for yourself. She has given to you her body, mind, soul as well as any and all past baggage. She has shared her deepest secrets and has bared all her weaknesses to you in the trust that you will not cause her any lasting harm physically or emotionally. I qualify this as “lasting” because the S&M aspects, if they exists within the dynamic, do play into potential harm both physically and emotionally however it is mutually consensual and should never be intended to be permanent or lasting.


So not only must you protect and care for her, you must feed her both literally and emotionally. You must strive to feed the hunger within that are her erotic needs and to also nurture that submissive part of her that needs to be a part of you and who you are.


This person that you now are responsible will be a contradiction at times, both so very strong and yet also so very vulnerable and fragile. She is like putty in your hand at times and other times may be unbreakable bamboo branch, refusing or unable to waver. This does not make her any less submissive, it simply means that she is alive and a normal, vibrant strong human. These are most likely the traits that attracted you to her in the first place.


You have your own needs and in her submission she strives to help fulfill them without hesitation. However you must also remember that she has her needs as well. You already know this because you would have inspected the goods and made sure she was to your liking and compatible or surely you would have never taken ownership at all, right. So by taking ownership you have committed to accepting all the responsibility that it entails.


Now as you both try and make the dynamic work there will be specific things you may or may not like, there may be things that act as “triggers” that may elicit an unwanted response that you can not fully control so these are made clear and are then expected to be no future problem. After-all you are now Master and it is up to the submissive, the one you now own, to be in compliance with YOUR needs and desires. But wait she also brings with her those very same kinds of things, is it reasonable to believe that they can be simply discounted and are insignificant because they don't align with what you want?


Now I don't want to debate the S&M aspects that may exist but I strongly believe that no matter what labels or names you chose to use what you have is a relationship. As such this submissive that you now own should be the most precious item you possess and thus there is a need to protect her in every way possible. This is where I believe the responsibility is in fact deeply rooted. You have an obligation to yourself to protect your possessions and you have a responsibility to all that it means to be the Dominant and owner, to nurture the submissive so that she remains true to both herself and also that which you most desire to possess.


If I consider for a moment my own relationship with my wife who is now also my submissive I realize that I see our relationship differently than I did when we were simply “vanilla”. In our marriage we agreed to a union whereby we shared our lives, there was no “ownership” and I had only some assumed responsibility to her based on my own beliefs.   In our D/s union she has given to me her mind, body and soul so that I am now responsible for it in a way I was not before. I do now have a vested interest to ensure it is treated as my most precious possession and not simply my partner.


I knew this before entering into our D/s relationship and I wanted this level of commitment. I felt we were both in a place where we could now make this work and begin a new journey together.  I believed I could now provide a a solid foundation within my own mind. This however took me the past few years of self exploration and discovery to get to this point and I am very sure that even a year ago this would not have been possible.


I do see my responsibilities and obligations to her represented by the collar she wears to be much deeper than those represented by the wedding band. In the vanilla relationship I may have simply felt “well fine, just deal with it yourself” if I did or said something she did not like, but now I must consider my actions and responses much more carefully. I must at least attempt to remove emotion from conflict and act with wisdom considering any impact to both ourselves equally as a minimum. My choices are now not as much one sided. They are based on the good of the family unit while also making sure that she is protected and cared for to the best of my abilities.


We have both seen and felt this change within our relationship. We have both grown and now know each other much better. While she is submissive to me it is still important to both herself as well as I, that she keep her independence. I want, and expect, her to remain strong. She does now accept more guidance from me to help build herself as a person because she now knows that I have her best interests in mind at all times.


By me taking ownership and accepting the responsibilities and obligations, by me honouring all that is meant by that, by aligning my choices from this new position, and by using my knowledge from a place of wisdom, my choices and actions have helped to foster an increased trust between us to a level that would not be there otherwise. I did not do this alone and could not have without her acceptance and our ongoing and bi-directional communication.


It is here that I see the true core essence of what this lifestyle can bring to a relationship and also why it is imperative that this bond of mutual trust never be taken for granted.

Are there continued responsibilities?

I have recently seen a few friends go through some difficult times within their relationships, some work through them and come out the other end stronger and revitalized and others unfortunately have separated. As a friend I am unable to do much of anything but sit back and watch. Sure I can be a confidant or a shoulder to cry on when needed but one my personal and house rules is to never interfere with another family dynamic. Morally I have no right to do so either.


Unless I am an integral and intimate member of a family, privy to each and everything that has transpired, there is no way I can even begin to know what should be done so any “guidance” from me would be based on incomplete and/or inaccurate information with much of it supposition and pure speculation. As hard as this is at times, it is something I work very hard to ensure that I do not interfere. That does not mean I can not be supportive and perhaps help mediate if I am asked to, but choices and direction are quite frankly non of my business to influence.


Now it seems I have digressed from what I want to say, but it is this conflict and its unfortunate outcome that concerns me. I often see the responsibility thrown out the window far more often than I see otherwise. Why is it that the person you once loved and cared for becomes this hated person or someone you simply discarded with zero consideration for their physical or mental well being? Why is it that for some there is not only collateral harm but calculated and intentional harm done at this time?


It is my belief that the Dominant that took on the responsibility of ownership in the beginning has a continued obligation to, as a minimum, help the submissive through a transition of being owned to one where she is not and is able to stand on her own. Those very things that drive her core needs, her submission itself, have just been yanked out from under her when she was let go! So yes, lasting damage has already been done to her emotionally but I to believe this can and must be minimized.


Please remember she did not just become worthless and a piece of trash to be disposed of, rather for various reasons it simply did not work out. You did not suddenly become different people, it is only that the dynamic between you has changed but the responsibility remains. If you cared once then you still do, even if it may be clouded with negative emotions. So be honourable and just admit that it is merely that for whatever reason(s) you are incompatible within a symbiotic and mutually fulfilling relationship and move on with the same dignity and integrity that the submissive saw in you at the beginning.


It is my strong belief that YOU have a continued obligation to her to do no further or ongoing harm by trying to tear her apart emotionally. I believe this extends well past the point at which you both separate.


It is perhaps during this phase where your true nature will reveal itself by how and you handle this. I can assure you that however you chose to handle things it will be observed by friends and those around, and will inevitably demonstrate to others the kind of person you actually are. Our actions really do speak for us much more than our words do.


So in closing I want to say that while ownership has it rewards, and they can be wondrous, it takes a lot of work and is not something anyone should do if they are unable to take on all of the responsibility and obligations to the submissive that goes with it.

Judgements

Last night at class a comment was made which led to a number of comments from participants of the class. I would have liked to have said something as well but felt the topic had already been discussed more than it should have especially since it was a tangent to the actual subject matter. At the same time I felt much of what had been said needed to be said. The person handling the class accommodated the discussion very well and also prevented it from going on for too long.


Before I mention the actual topic I will say that I see this happen far too often and it has been one of the things that bothers be from time to time. I lack RL experience of what happens in discussions around the lifestyle so my point of reference is only within SL, however at least in SL this seems to be quite prevalent.

Sometimes I wonder if the assumed anonymity we believe we have in SL changes our behavior in some situations and I do expect that in some ways it does for some.  I also believe however that we can not hide who we are at the core and this bleeds through for even those that try to hide it. 


One of the things I like about most of the people I have met so far within the lifestyle is their openness and acceptance of others. Everyone seems to agree that we all practice in our own ways and each family or relationship has a unique dynamic. This acceptance I find refreshing and truly believe that the whole human race could benefit from such acceptance.


However I also see that there are certain subjects or topics where this often falls apart and personal biases and prejudices come to light. I believe last night this is what happened. I do not want to mention any names as I believe they are unimportant for this post and I hope to do my part to protect the innocent.


The topic that sparked this debate or argument was poly relationships. The original comment was well worded and not made personal, it was simply a generalization that it was not for him and his family. Unfortunately a comment from another class participant had been worded perhaps in a less than ideal way and certainly sounded judgmental and anyone in a poly relationship would have taken offense to it.


Of course there was at least one class participant that is in a poly relationship, which I already knew as I have seen him and his family at various discussions. He very eloquently argued of course in favour of poly but stated that it was not for everyone but also reaffirmed that judgement should not be passed by those from the outside.


I don't want to delve into details but I do want to comment on what I saw happen and will make my own comment and observation in this post in the hopes it gives another point of view.


I have mentioned poly in another of my posts, and although I am in a long term monogamous relationship I have met several poly families that I look at with a great deal of respect and in some ways envy. I don't look at these relationships and think the people are cheating, although I now that can happen in poly too, I don't see dissatisfied partners and I don't see people wanting their cake and eating it too so to speak.


I look at these families and see the very high degree of respect each member has for the others within the family. I see the high degree of communication, understanding, openness, and most of all the mutual respect, compassion and empathy necessary within such a dynamic. I envy these people in that they have reached a point where they are able to bring this to such a high level. To be honest I see some of these families and I think they may actually be happier than many monogamous families.


Of course I can not say this from experience and I am quite sure they have their own problems and hurdles to face. It is hard enough to make a relationship work between 2 people, heck I know people that can't get along with themselves let alone another person.


If we consider the math for a second. A simple 2 person discussion for a moment has the potential for 2 misunderstandings of what is being said between the people. In a 3 person dynamic this increases to a potential for 6 misunderstandings and by the time we get to a 4 person dynamic this increases to 24.


I also see an added benefit that these poly families have that most others do not. This was mentioned last night as well and made me smile. These poly families have, at least in some cases, an increased probability of making better and more informed decisions. There is at least one other party, with a vested interest in the relationship, to act as a sounding board and to help validate decisions. This I believe in fact can make these families stronger and more resilient than our traditional monogamous families.


It is also my belief that like most mammals on this planet we may not be hardwired for monogamy, but rather this is due to social pressures and expectations of others more than it is from nature itself. I am sure many have different opinions and that is their right, just as I have my own right to my opinion on this.


As we grow throughout life and transition from children into adults many of our personalities and beliefs are a result of instruction and “lessons learned”. I don't know if anyone even knows how much nature has to do with who we actually become or why.


If I consider this for a moment then I also have to accept that everything I believe may not be actually “my own” beliefs but rather those imposed on me in one way or another. This of course could also be debated and I know in the end there is no concrete answer for this and I accept that.


We all have our own beliefs, regardless of how they got there, and they will certainly not agree with others all the time. We only need to remember, and make conscious effort to keep it in check all the time if necessary, that our own beliefs are just that, our own, and they should never be imposed or even compared to those of others.


I have said it before but I will repeat it here also. I was once told that you never discuss politics or religion because an argument is sure to ensue for which there will never be an agreement. Over my life I have seen this come true, however I believe that perhaps a few other items should be added to that list; D/s related names and labels, and quite possibly relationships or at least types of relationships.


I dream of the day where everyone just gets along and is truly accepting of everyone around them without bias or passing judgement in any way. Unfortunately I am not so sure that day will ever come, but we all need a dream ... and goal ...

Learning

I have been asked a few times why I chose to go to group discussions and/or classes. This is usually within the scope of D/s and/or BDSM however it is not limited to only those subjects either.

Learning

I am one of those people that learns best on the fly and while doing. I typically do not learn as well within a class or structured environment and I know this about myself. Having said that however I also know that as part of my own learning process I tend to do my own due diligence to validate whatever information I am given while also filtering and applying my own past experiences to it.


I come from a very technical background coupled with a lot of practical experience across many different disciplines. My interests are widely varied and many people see me as “all over the place” at times. At the point I am now in my own life I certainly have my own opinions and biases however I am often relieved that these too remain flexible and continue to evolve as I do.


I have experienced enough throughout life to know that one's credentials can, at times, be less than an ideal way to judge their credibility. For me respect is not something automatically given, but rather is earned, I do however approach everyone with an open mind and form my own judgements as time goes on.


I certainly do not trust everything I am taught or told. I was once taught that our solar system had 9 planets and Pluto was one of them. This had to be correct because my teachers told me so and it was printed in all the materials I read. Now as I sit here and type this poor Pluto is no longer a planet and our solar system has only 8 planets, however I am not confident this will never change again. It is in fact a point which is argued by people with much more knowledge on the subject than I.


I use this as a good example of how things we may have been taught as “concrete” and established facts may indeed not be as concrete as we may be led to believe. Heck I was once told that sex was bad, if I believed that I would never be writing this in the first place. Instead I saw it as a challenge to seek to better understand what made it “bad”.


These changes in what we have been taught do not necessarily make the subjects or informational bits wrong and should not prevent us from learning. It does however mean that what we have learned and accepted as fact for ourselves needs to have some degree of flexibility to it. Things change as we, and/or others, learn more and this can at times have an impact on those things we have already learned.


I certainly see BDSM and D/s very much in this way. Not so much because I expect most of the things within it to change but rather I do expect my own understanding of these things to evolve as I dig deeper within and continue to expand my own knowledge of the practices. I can read all I want and it will never give me the same insight as hearing someone describe one of their own personal experiences, good or bad. I also know that these very people that are teaching and or sharing their experiences are also learning and therefore their own opinions are subject to change.


So I guess what I am saying is that for me at least it is important to get information from a number of different people and sources. The more commonality I see from these various bits of information the more comfortable I am “trusting” them to be valid. This also helps to establish the context for any of the informational bits which for me is perhaps more important that the actual information itself.


My major focus when I learn anything new is to concentrate on what is bad, or less than ideal. When I learn a new tool I want to know what it does not do because these will be the things that I have to find other solutions or work-rounds for. Learning what it does do is then much easier. I use this same approach with everything I get tackle and my learning of BDSM and D/s has been no different.

Credentials

I have mentioned that credentials do not automatically indicate credibility. I am much more likely to accept information from someone I can see is practising what he/she is teaching and indeed “living it” rather than someone that says he/she has 100 years experience but shows no signs of actually “living it”. To be honest I am more likely to trust someone that does not start off by telling me their credentials no matter how valid they may be.


I have experienced far too many people, in many different disciplines, that in fact had very impressive credentials but were incapable of teaching, and in some cases they actually showed no apparent signs of even knowing the subject material at all. I have also seen the opposite and found people with no “accepted” credentials in a discipline but yet they could indeed teach and demonstrate to others a very solid grasp on the subject(s).

Summary

So in closing I just wanted to say that it is important to obtain information from as many different sources as you can. Discussion groups and/or classes can be valuable sources of information. Look for the consistent message contained within and there you will find the real information that you can add to your knowledge-base.


Of course please use some common sense and know your own limits, do not try brain surgery just because you read the “Surgery for Dummies” book.

Safety and Responsibility

Before I post anything else I believe I owe to anyone that is reading this, as well as to the BDSM lifestyle and community as a whole, to speak about safety.


Today's programming is been brought to you by the letters S, A, F, E, T, and Y.


I believe that we are responsible for our own safety however this lifestyle increases the requirement for safety and for which the dominant or top is primarily responsible. I will not go in the details here as there is a plethora of good information on this subject all you need do is to look for it.


I do believe that safety and responsibility go hand in hand. This is where us dominants, or tops, need to be acutely aware of everything that we possible can. Be prepared for what we will do when goes wrong. Yes I did say “when” and not “if”.


When planning any scene, or for that matter anything you plan to do at all, consider all parties involved, their knowledge level of the subject(s) necessary, any fears or apprehensions that may exist, the equipment if there is any, and most importantly everything you failed to think of.


So often in life I have had people come to me about various cautions and say “Yes I know, but the chance of that happening is remote”. Trust me, if there is a chance, any chance at all, then it could happen at anytime. Those people I tend to ask them a simple question; “Do you buy lottery tickets?”. I ask this to make them stop and think for a moment. The chance of actually winning the lottery is far less than the chance of something going wrong in a scene but we all but them or know people that do. Why, because there is always that chance.


Unfortunately I believe that as a result of evolution our brains are hardwired to underestimate anything bad and overestimate anything good. Otherwise I do not believe we would be capable of evolution in the first place. We would never take any chances, no leaps of faith, and nothing would ever change. It takes conscious thought to consider any given thing and consider what possible things could go wrong.


You will never be 100% prepared for everything that can, and one day, will go wrong. Knowing that it can happen however, and preparing for it and having a plan is what you need to do however.

Failing to plan is planning to fail.

I myself am fascinated with rope play, I am amazed at the beauty represented in especially the Japanese style rope bondage which we often refer to it as Shibari, although this is not actually the correct name. Regardless of the name I however also know that I lack the skills and equipment necessary to do any of it myself safely. I also know that this also carries with it a number of new safety concerns for which my partner and I are not properly equipped and skilled to handle so this is another reason it is not practiced by us. Perhaps one day it will, but only if and when we both feel ready to do so safely.


I talk to some that do practice breath play, and while I can see the attraction this, in my opinion, crosses a line whereby no degree of planning can ensure safety. I for one never want to be in a situations where I say “Oops! Now what do I tell everyone?” or “But officer ... she wanted it ... really this was her idea ... I just forgot to count to 30 faster.”


For many of us our hard limits are there in part to enforce safety. We should all have a safe-word also and this is perhaps most to protect the dominant more so than the submissive partner. You are responsibly for your own safety and those that you are with, sometimes it may be necessary to protect them from themselves for the sake of safety, that is OK. Having someone upset with you for not tying them to the rafters even though you don't know how is better than having to go to the ER with your partner and carrying her arm because Oops! ... it just ripped off when she slipped from a suspension rig because you tied a knot wrong.


I will end this post asking you to learn all that you can about whatever you may be doing and with whom. Only do what you are all comfortable with and for which you properly equipped and prepared to handle. Accidents can and will happen, make sure you know how to deal with them ahead of time while making every effort to avoid them wherever possible. Don't leave safety to chance.


I sincerely hope the only lottery you win is one that pays out money ...

Names and Labels

I am writing this as it relates to the dominant, and also from my male gender perspective. I will apologize in advance if you disagree with anything I have to say, these are simply my own thoughts and observations.


When I was looking for every definition of the dominant names and labels I could find I ran across one blog than stated it in very simple terms. You may have a different ideas, but I do think this very simple summary is rather accurate albeit oversimplified.


A Sir is one who Dominates
A Daddy is one who loves the one he Dominates
A Master is one who owns the one he Dominates


Now if we take those simple definitions then my partner should be calling me “Daddy” and perhaps not Master. This however would never work for us since for her the name “Daddy” has far different family (think father) meaning and quite frankly she is not into incest and this is how she would see in in her own mind. I do know this for a fact since we have spoken at great length on this very subject.


To be honest I struggle with my partner calling me “my Master” at times. I know that there are many in the lifestyle that upon hearing that may simple write me off as a want-to-be. For those people I am sorry and our use of that name is not intended to offend in any way. Our use is simply to convey my position within our own relationship and also one where when my partner uses it in public allows her to distinguish me from other dominants around us.


One thing that I have been struck with since I started to seriously investigate BDSM and particularly D/s based relationships. That is the use of names and/or labels and how sometimes things appear to be somewhat hypocritical. I am sorry if that offends you, but please take a moment to consider the context in which it is meant.


One of the things the BDSM community as a whole prides itself on I believe is the widely varying degrees and ways in which it may be practiced. As a community it seems to be universally accepted within that there is no real right or wrong (well yes there are some wrong ways for sure – think safety and such) way but that each party will do their own thing(s) within its boundaries. I also seems that what is commonly referred to as High Protocol is usually reserved for specific occasions, events, and in some case specific locations. I also see that the lines are blurred for many people when it comes to exactly what they may be, but that is accepted since we are all individuals practicing in our ways.


Now where the problem seems to come in is with names and labels, in this there is for many no flexibility at all. On one had many dominants would prefer to be called only by their name by anyone other than their own submissive(s).  Some do not accept the term Master to be used at all for anyone that does not have 1000 years experience.  Others take great offense should any submissive type not refer to them as Sir or Miss at all times, and may go as far to demand punishment should any slip-up occur.


This very issue is perhaps what we ourselves struggled with at first and is why we started our journey into D/s “in the closet” if you will, doing so only in private. At first even our friends did not know that we had started to “experiment” between ourselves. My partner was quite frankly terrified of offending anyone or appearing disrespectful in any way to anyone around us. I am sure that if this was our situation then others have found themselves in the same.


It was only after my partner was able to accept that part of my “job” was to be responsible for her and protect her that she was even able to start to relax on this. I told her that from my perspective as long as she was conscious of the potential problem but always did her best when communicating then she must relax about it. I explained to her that if she ever did forget to refer to someone “properly” to simply correct herself and apologize. I also told her that if after that if anyone still had an issue that she was to send them directly to me for a resolution.


It was only by putting these steps in place that I felt I could take my partner out in public as a submissive. Not because I was not proud, but I had to protect her until she was able to deal with her fears on this or I would be remiss in my responsibilities to her and our relationship.


I was always told that the two subjects you never discuss are politics and religion as they are sure to start an argument with disagreements for which there is not resolution. It seems that in some ways names/labels within the lifestyle should perhaps be added to that list also. Everyone has their own definitions and although there are many common threads there are also often specific distinctions each individual has and disagreements may often result argument.


So I will end this post by reiterating that my partner calls me “my Master” not in an attempt to show ourselves in a more M/s relationship or that I am a true master of BDSM. I am simply her dominant partner, a master only to her and in her own eyes. We are in fact in a D/s relationship and I love her dearly.


And with that said, me being me (you know me my dear) I can not resist ...

Come to Daddy my dear ...

I Make No Mistakes

I knew that would get your attention and I am sure you are thinking “yeah right buddy!”.

So before I lose all credibility I will say that I do make are sometimes impulsive and/or irrational choices, which are at times based on incorrect or incomplete information. Sometimes these can even be clouded by emotions.  They are however choices I make at that moment in time.


Regardless of how often these kinds of choices may be made, when I later look back with the added benefit of hindsight I do not see them as mistakes. They are instead what become more of what we call “life lessons”.  The mistake would be if I learned nothing from them.


In almost every case, if I am honest with myself and remove hindsight from the equation when reviewing any given choice, I believe I would make exactly the same choice again given the exact same set of circumstances. That is not to say that now knowing more that I may not perhaps make a different one. This however is because I learned something as a result of that choice which I may not have otherwise.


So now that we have cleared up what I mean when I say “I make no mistakes” I hope you understand the context in which it is meant.


One of the things that my journey this far into D/s has helped we with is self control, and this helps tremendously when making decisions. I am much less prone to jumping to a quick conclusion but rather take more time to analyze and review what information I have in order to help me make a better, and what I hope are, more rational decisions. I do this not only for myself but also because an increased sense of responsibility to my partner and this has a ripple effect throughout the rest of my life as well.


Even as recent as a year ago I do not believe that I was in a place where I could have taken on this role with my partner. Sure, I was confident and able to take charge. Heck I managed groups of people at work and am well (I think and am told) respected by those around me. Looking back however I feel that perhaps some of my decisions within my relationship were too one-sided whereby I did not always consider the impact on my partner. I did not always use the same decision making process within my relationship as I did at work.


Through our journey into D/s and also my own journey of self-discovery I have a renewed and heightened sense of responsibility and I am also better able to take full ownership of those choices. I also do not care as much about what anyone else may think. It is not that I do not value the opinion of others, in fact I very much do and actively seek this out at times. What I do mean however is that I own my decisions, for good, or for bad.


By taking on the role within our relationship I am making a statement to my partner and those around us that I am responsible for everything that happens for which I can have any impact upon.  Regardless of what I chose, I must consider the impact on my partner and our relationship as well as myself.


I think that perhaps because previously we lived as equals I did not always take into consideration the impact(s) on her as much as I should have. She was after all able to make her own choices and as a result accepted her own consequences. This however is impractical within a relationship because everything we do impacts all parties within the relationship.


I am not saying that D/s was a fix for this, but rather that at least for me it has helped me to grow as a person and as a mate to my partner.  I believe this is, in part, because of the significant increase in communication between us, but it goes much deeper than that. For me the collar that she proudly wears around her neck means so much more to me than the ring she wears on her finger.  It is not a symbol of ownership but rather one of responsibility.


Whenever someone asks who I am at my core I tell them that I am a sum total of all my flaws and experiences.  I am certainly not perfect, and yes I do make mistakes.  I do however also try to learn from them and also minimize the fallout wherever or whenever possible.

We are all shaped by everything that goes on around us and what are our own life lessons.  Every choice we make changes that in some way or another and helps us to grow.  We need to all keep in mind that no matter how small any one of these may "choices" may appear to be, its outcome will have an impact on others around us as well in some manner.


This post may not make sense and may simply be my own verbal ramblings but I felt the need to put these thoughts down while they were fresh in my mind.

A Group Discussion and My First Class

So yesterday was a busy day but I did attend a discussion as well as my first class in my formal education to being a better dominant for my partner.

Family

So the discussion was held as D/s Academy by Zano, it was on what family is and if a D/s lifestyle changes that. Zano s one of the facilitators I do like hearing, he is articulate and at times he has unique perspective on things which I find refreshing. My schedule often does not permit me to attend his discussions unfortunately but yesterday did.


He was part way through a book called Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality. I have not read this book and do not believe anyone else attending yesterday had either, but for the discussion purposes it set the subject of the discussion. What is family and does D/s change that?


I can say that although I am not, nor have I been in a poly relationship, I do believe that if we set aside societies' judgements and imposed morals, that we are all in fact all poly-amorous. Most of us chose to live in monogamous relationships where we love and care for only one person. We are however able to move into another relationship and love and care for someone else after the previous relationship ends. So we may not be poly in what many think of it to be, it is however what I believe to be serial polygamy. I know of VERY few people that have been in only one single relationship for their entire life.


Now during my time in SL, and that has only been slightly more than 8 months by now, I have certainly seen a proportionally larger number of poly relationships in here. Very often these are within a D/s dynamic. I do not know the reason for this although I suspect some of it is that within the confines of SL we tend to be more free to me who we are, or want to be. I also suspect that in a number of these cases it is imposed by one partner onto the other, and often the dominant has imposed this.


I do know that myself I gave consideration to this subject and asked myself if I myself could function within a poly relationship, and although I do believe I could I am also quite sure that my partner could not. Now I do not know how much of this is me being what some would see as a typical male and wanting my cake and eat it too. I do however believe that we all possess the capacity to love and care for more than one person at any given time. I also believe that does not in any way diminish the love for the other.


Since my wife and I are in a long term and committed relationship, which is my primary responsibility and focus, I would be negligent if I put her within a new family dynamic where I knew she would not function well. Our being monogamous is however is due much more to conscious choice rather than nature and is the point I am wanting to make. I do however look at those poly families that seem to make it work in amazement.


Sure from the outside we look and think what wondrous sex they must all have (be honest you do to). This I believe is simply our own society imposed morals and prejudices creeping to the surface, combined with our own fantasies. What I see however if I look deeper however is a dynamic where each member has perfected the honesty, trust, self-awareness, self-doubt, and most importantly communication to high enough levels to allow this to function. I see actually a higher degree of caring and commitment within these people.


I am sure that most of you may read this and disagree and that is OK. But please do not also be quick to make assumptions and pass judgements on such family dynamics juts because you may not agree.

Being a dominant

So last night was my first class at Solace of Submission (SOS) as a student for their level 1 series for dominants. I had originally found these classes early when I came to SL when I was eager to find all the resources I could. Unfortunately I always missed when a new series actually started so it is only now that I get to take them.


Why go to class if I am already within a D/s dynamic? Well, that is an easy answer - to learn.


For me D/s is certainly not about the sex (wink ,wink) but rather what I see that it adds to the relationship. It is not that without D/s a relationship can not be great, but I do believe, and which am experiencing for myself, that it is able to bring a relationship to a new level. This new level is no longer just two people coexisting as equals but rather they become one in a symbiotic dance of give and take. Awareness becomes heightened, the energy that flows within the relationship merges and becomes something different and more harmonious.


What I have also found is that the amount of work necessary to keep a D/s dynamic flowing is much more than the work needed for what most would consider a typical or “vanilla” relationship. There is a critical requirement for honesty, trust, and openness that I believe all relationships could benefit from.


Because D/s is also within the much broader scope of BDSM there are also some practices which will come into play for most. These require an increased awareness of safety and is another reason for wanting to learn.


Although last night was my first class I was very happy to see that the material planned to be covered was as I had expected. The class was perhaps a bit smaller than I expected but there were enough people to provide great input through comments and questions throughout the class.


My only complaint had nothing to do with the class at all. SL's voice chat simply sucks sometimes!


This first class was supposed to be held last week but was postponed because of grid wide voice problems. Last night at least voice worked and for most of the night quite well. There were a few times where lag and packet loss became a problem but we all live with this and cope the best we can.


I am looking forward to the rest of the classes.


Until next time ...

Being a Master

Let me start by reiterating that I am new to this lifestyle so I am sure there are those, and you may be one of them, that laughs when they read that my partner calls me “her Master”. Who the hell do I think I am? I've only been in this lifestyle for a little over 6 months so what makes we worthy of any title, and especially “Master”.


Well, for the record I certainly do not consider myself a master of BDSM or D/s. Sure, my ego would like to think that I have mastered the art of sex, but has anyone? But I will say that “learning” is where the real fun is – practice makes perfect afterall.

So what is in a name?

At the start of this journey, and our learning about this new lifestyle we did discuss what we would call each other in public, around others in the lifestyle. Initially we struggled with this, we had already met some people that took offence if they were not referred to properly at all times, and by everyone around them. Others did not wish to be called by anything other than their own name. Mostly we found that as long as you are genuine and mean well, if after that should someone take offense then that was their problem to deal with and not ours.


Being the dominant, and her protector I also told bambi that she was never to accept any discipline from anyone other than myself. I told her that if ever there was a time where someone did take offense to anything she said or did that she was to immediately direct them to me for a discussion regarding what transpired. So in a way I had hoped this was her “safety net” in the hopes that she did not get overwhelmed with worrying about doing anything wrong, that all she could do was to be herself and do her best.


In the beginning I simple asked bambi to refer to me as Sir, and that even that was necessary at our first encounter each day, or when around others in the lifestyle. I told her that she could call me anything she wanted to, but that I would prefer it not be “asshole” or other derogatory terms unless it was part of a scene or when venting to her friends and confidants, but that too was to be her choice.


As we started to settle into our own style of D/s we found that she struggled with knowing when, and when not to call me by Sir and even more so she found it hard not referring to me differently than others. So we discussed this and found decided that she could refer to me as Master or Sir depending on what she was comfortable with at that time. So she then started to always refer to me as Master and other male doms as Sir as a way to separate from them.


Shortly after we started this I was considering the meaning of the term “Master” and knew I certainly was no master of this lifestyle. I looked for what I felt was a more appropriate term for here to use. As we discussed my concerns we settled on her still calling me Master, but making a slight distinction by always using “my” with it and thus using the name “my Master”. In this way I felt this still conveyed my status to her, but also did not necessarily mean I was a true master of all this.


My partner wears a collar that says “Seth's Precious” on both a label as well as in floating text. Verbally I refer to her as “my dear”, “my love”, or “my precious” at home as well as in public. For me these names help capture and also convey her status and position within our own relationship.

How did I get here?

I have had an interest in BDSM over many years, we played around with light bondage throughout our relationship at times when it needs a little “spice”, but neither of us has ever been “in the lifestyle”. I am the one that has always pushed our boundaries but rarely has bambi been resistant to this so I do think we had a good foundation to start from.


To be honest it is only now that I am at a place where I felt ready to pursue something of this magnitude. This being the result of a lot of soul searching and a journey of self discovery over the past few years.


Was this perhaps part of my own mini mid-life crisis? I have no idea. But as I think about it, perhaps that may have been part of it. If so instead of a new convertible sports car ... I got a new lifestyle and a wife that now goes topless, or even naked, when commanded to. I think this is much better than a sports car.

What kind of person am I?

If you want my take on it, I am just me; a guy that can take charge when needed but knows how to compromise, one that simply wants to enjoy life and all it has to offer without all the turmoil that inevitably invades our lives. Most importantly I wish to do that with my partner, my wife, at my feet (used to be at my side).


If you want a clinical definition I am a confirmed ambivert with a type A personality.  Well at least that was the result of psychological testing I have had as a result of work.


Those that know me in RL have always said that although I am a “Jack of all trades” I am also a master of most. I am technically inclined and driven to learn and tend to do so best when jumping in and doing. I am able to quickly assess things and I do learn on the fly. I am however also not a very good puppet after having chewed though my strings at an early age. All of this has served me well throughout the years and I hope it continues to do so in the future as well in our journey into D/s.

So what is my role?

In some ways I do not see our relationship differently from what it always has been, bambi is my first priority as she always has. I care for and protect her. I try to help build up her confidence and self esteem. I try to be supportive and I try to take on all the worries


However some things are different, I am certainly much more in charge, and also much more aware of not only her actions but also of my own. It is still however very important to me that bambi retains her independence and freedoms and most importantly her right to chose and refuse.


The only real difference is that now there is a pre-negotiated surrender to me on her part of a number of the choices that she once made. There is also a greater awareness for us both of what my wishes and expectations are.

"This is a dictatorship, not a democracy."

From my perspective I guess if I had to describe it to someone that knows nothing about D/s, at least as we see it, that would be as follows ...


I see myself as the conductor of a symphony, directing and guiding us both in this dance, the tango. I am also the choreographer and teacher of the dance steps. I am the one that makes sure we practice and perfect this dance until it becomes second, almost first, nature to us both. I am also the one that makes sure my partner looks and feels her best so she can dance her best in this tango with me, on the stage that is life.

My Partner

It seems I have not mentioned who exactly this lovely person is that dwells within my heart, invades my thoughts continually and whom has chosen to reward me by giving to me the greatest gift she had to give ...  her submission ... mind, body, and soul.

In SL we are both very much as we are in RL, even taking the steps to have a home and get married here in SL.  Sure she is, and looks, younger in SL than she does in RL however she is no less the beauty in RL either.

Those that know her see her kind heart, her caring, and the way she carries herself  I see all of that and so very much more; I see her passion, her devotion, her vulnerabilities.  In many ways I do know her better than she knows herself.  Over the years, and even more recently she has started to realize this.  This is also a great position to be in for me as her Master, her protector.

Instead of needing to take months or even years more, I get to start from already knowing her, knowing much or her likes and dislikes, knowing how she may react to certain things, and knowing what drives her.  With this in mind we get to delve into deeper feelings much sooner within our D/s relationship than many others may be able to.

Sure, we are both learning, but we are doing it together and that too I believe brings us even closer.  We also do not have an easy "get out of jail free card", we can't just walk away and tell the other that I am going to find a new sub or Master, our marriage and long-term relationship comes first.  Instead we must find a way to deal with whatever comes our way, and work though it, but do so knowing we are both in this together with a common goal ...

Now it seems I got off track, almost as if I just saw a kitten just run across in front of me.

Let's get back to the subject this post is meant to be, my partner, bambi.

Although initially she was unsure about even coming to SL, and certainly wanted nothing to do with D/s when I first mentioned it.  She did, over time come to terms with the idea, started to investigate and learn on her own and started to want to actually explore this lifestyle with me.

Soon afterwards we did collar in SL and after only a month or so she was also collared in RL on a trial basis.

 Since then she has not only accepted D/s but has actually wanted to make it a bigger part of our lives.  We do live 24/7 in what is likely best called a blended D/s and traditional marriage.  However as we both grow in our new roles we do adopt more and more D/s through protocols, rules, and rituals.

She continues to amaze me with her eagerness to embrace this new lifestyle and quite frankly makes me very proud to be her Master.  I can not put into words how proud she makes me of her each and every day.

With a little nudging from me she has also recently started to learn a bit about building and making clothing in SL.  She has started to also take a few beginning building classes at Builder's Brewery.

She was so proud the day she came from class and showed me the chair she had made.  She told me that she was even more surprised when she realized that she knew more about building than she realized.  She had never stopped to think about why I had been having her do certain things in an effort to help build her confidence and skills.

There have been times, especially in the beginning where she struggled with her submission, and at times I think perhaps she still does.  I do know that initially she thought of every rule we discussed as control.

There was one session where after we had talked a bit  I gave her a list of things that she was to do that week.  She sort of freaked out a bit and later told a friend that all I wanted to do was control her.  The next night when we had another session where we discussed that "control" and her schedule.  When I told her that all I had done was to schedule the very things she had said she planned to do. It was only then that I think she even stopped to actually look at her schedule.

In RL she is physically unable to kneel for any great length of time so instead we started a ritual where she would sit on a cushion at my feet while we watch TV and wind down from the day.  Initially she saw this also as me wanting to control her.  It was not until she was doing a homework assignment from her mentor and told me that she was unable to explain when she feels "loved" and I gave her an example that she started to realize the bigger meaning of the protocols and rituals.

As an example of when I "feel loved" I told her that for me was when she is sitting at my feet and I am rubbing her hair, there are times that she allows herself to freely lay her head into my hand.  In those moments I explained to her that there is a shared energy between us, in those moments I "feel loved".

She was surprised to hear this as she only thought of my wanting her to sit at my feet as me controlling her.  After that she then started to look at these rituals we had as having much deeper meaning and they were not simply me controlling her as she had first thought.  I believe for her, this was perhaps a pivotal point and when she started to actually embrace the essence of D/s within our relationship.

So after 15 years of us being together we have found a way to not only rejuvenate our relationship, but we have also started down the path to a new journey together, one based on D/s.  My dear when you read this do know that there is no place I would rather be and I am so very honored to have you by my side in this journey.

 Submissive in two worlds

 She does have her own blog, one which although I do read and we discuss the content at times, I do not censor it.  I have not had her change anything contained in it and do not plan to in the future.  Regardless of her submission to me I feel strongly that she deserves, and has a right, to have this blog as her own, unencumbered by me.  Please read her blog as well, there is some additional detail in there, sometimes more detail perhaps than I would like, but as I said I do not censor it.


Her blog can be found by clicking on the following link; Submissive In Two Worlds

SL Obeservations

Over the past 8 months I have interacted with a number of different people all in various kinds of avatars.  Some avatars looked very human like, some had horns or wings, a number of them had tails and cat ears.  Some appeared much more like a demon, some an alien life-form, and some as animals such as panthers, horses, otters, and ferrets.

I have visited a vast number of different kinds of sims, ranging from a simple education area intended for the younger players, to some rather realistic and natural ones with beaches, canyons.  Some  represented lands of faeries while others were exclusively underwater or done in an out of this world style set in space or ones that depicted an alien planet.

I visited ones with G ratings, M ratings, as well as A ratings.  I visited dance clubs each of which has been themed differently.  I have attended live performances and other very entertaining events.  I have gone to meetings and discussion groups and taken classes.  I have visited dungeons and castles, many of which had a BDSM theme to them of course.  I have visited RLV play areas where the interaction with other avatars is perhaps a bit more involved than on some sims.

Through all of this I have seen some sims of amazing quality and beauty, some of very poor quality, and a lot that lay in between.  One thing I can say is that all the various sims have in common is they are nothing more than a bunch of pixels running on server executing code from Linden Labs. What brings them to life is your own mind and imagination.

For myself I am not really into much of the RP, as it is often depicted in many of the sims, but rather I came to SL to help expand my social circles and bring me together with people that because of geographies our paths would have most likely never crossed.   My wife and I live in a smaller community that lacks variety in its social avenues that fit ourselves so SL has proven to be great to help bring us to other venues and people.

We have met some very good friends, some of which we continue to interact with while others that seem to have drifted further away for various reasons.  We have seen some meet new people and forge new friendships and even relationships.  We have seen some that were once friends that had gone their own separate ways re-unite and rekindle those friendships and relationships.  And finally there are yet others that we see in groups and at other venues that we would like to be friends with, so when the timing and circumstance works out then perhaps that too will happen.

One thing is common throughout all of this however, the actual humans on the keyboard side of the avatars.  On the screen you may see a collection of pixels that most likely look nothing like the "real" person.  Some of these people pretend to be something different from their true selves while others such as myself are very much the same here in SL as in RL.

Here however is where I believe many of the problems arise.  Yes, I did say problems.  Some refer to it as drama.

For most of us it seems that no matter why we come to SL, the RL issues seem to invade this virtual world.  Motives, biases, all of our flaws and even prejudices follow us in here.  Depending on the individual person SL can make these more or less prevalent but they are always there lurking beneath the surface.

One of the things that SL has, or appears to have, is a certain degree of anonymity that gives us all what is most likely a false sense of security.  This can be both a good and bad thing, however for many it seems to remove much of the accountability that we are expected to have as members of society.  Here lies much of the problem -  SL is indeed infested with the human condition.

Friends interfere with other friends, people deceive one another,  some even set out to intentionally be a nuisance or to cause trouble.  The lack of body language, frequent typographic errors, language barriers all combine to make it even easier to interpret any given message incorrectly which then may result in an incorrect response, often an emotional one.

As a member of society with my own battle wounds and scars I for one had hoped that SL would perhaps be a more "improved" version of what we should all have to enjoy.  I came to SL to escape the RL issues and drama, to have fun and explore new things.  Unfortunately Utopia does not exist, or at least I have not yet found the SLULR for it.

I have however discovered that SL provides a rather unique environment that supports education and discussion groups that would perhaps not be possible otherwise.  It is also a place of great wonder if you allow it to be.

I can only say that SL is what it is, it is where we come and meet, it is in the end what we all make it.  I would only ask that we all remember that yes we are all different, but we all hurt in the same ways.  Be supportive and not destructive, help those that need help, but know when to back off and allow things to take their own course without interference.
 
In conclusion I can only say the following ...

"Have fun and don't hurt anyone ... unless they are bound and ask nicely for it ."

The Journey continued - The New Collar

There is quite a few things that have happened over the past several months, however none of them are of any great significance and I do not think I will write about them.  We did of course get married and I will post about that, but for the rest we have simply continued to grow together.

Along the way we have been very fortunate to meet some very good friends, several of whom have been and/or are still involved in D/s relationships.  Those people gave us their own pearls of wisdom, read a lot, and we went a number of discussion groups and continue to do so.

We have tried to take our own lessons learned in life, those lessons learned from our current mistakes, and combine that with a renewed and shared common goal of making our D/s relationship work.  Exactly how everything will settle along the way I still do not know for certain however I can say that slowly we are finding our way and what works for us at this point in time.

It is hard to write some of this as I am doing so purely from memory, the disadvantage of not having done my blog when I originally intended to.  Many of the details are lost or blurred with the passing of time.  A number of things we started out doing have shifted as we learned more about not only D/s but also about ourselves.

My partner has worn 3 different collars in our time so far.  The first was one we bought as a trial collar.  It was nothing fancy but suited her at that time.  After a couple of months had passed, and we recovered from our big mistake, we went shopping together for a more elegant collar for her.  We found one and that she has been proudly wearing up until recently.

On 21 August I presented her with a new collar. One that I had hand crafted myself which I felt suited her well and also helped to show her value to me.  It was done in part of my ongoing learning to build mesh from scratch in Blender but also it had been something I planned to do for her anyhow.  I wanted something elegant but also not overstated, and I wanted something unique.

She was delighted with the new collar and I was very proud to see her so eager to wear it.  We did not do much of a collaring ceremony this time around.  In our haste I think we just wanted the new one worn as quickly as possible.  I was proud to see her wear this new collar and she was even more proud to wear it.

To go along with her new collar I also played around with a new nadu animation for her.  I wanted something a little different, one where she appeared to be a bit more elegant but also alert.  I can say that I am certainly not a professional animator at all, but I am learning that too. 

In the end I was happy enough with the final outcome.  She liked the new animation very much when I surprised her with it.  We then we made a few tweaks to improve it a bit and then we added it into her collar as her preferred kneel for me.

The above picture is her new collar with the matching cuffs I did as well.

So where are we now?

I am happy to say that I can see that my partner is now realizing for herself and seeing also that she is indeed embracing her submission more and more with each passing day.  I hear her tell people that she has finally found her true self.  She tells me that she is happy in her new role and is thankful of the journey we are on together.   I do not see many of the internal struggles that were going on within her as had been there in the beginning.

As for me I can say that I am very proud of my partner.  I feel honored that she has continued to grow into her submissive role.  Sure, there are still many ways where I would say she is perhaps not as submissive as she should be, or that I would like, however I also know that making such changes while still within the same long term relationship is not easy and takes time.

I have embraced my own role and changes within our relationship.  I strive to not only improve myself but also to ensure my partners growth and well being.  I have found that D/s has provided a foundation within which we both seem to  be able to address whatever comes along with greater ease.  I have found that it has helped me to grow as a person as well, both for myself but also as her partner.

We continue to discuss our journey and add new elements when we both feel they are warranted. We both continue to read and learn what we can about the lifestyle.  We are each enrolled in classes related to our new roles within a D/s lifestyle. 

In fact my partner is attending her second class tonight as I am writing this blog entry.  I am hoping to attend my first class this week after it was postponed from last week after SL's grid wide voice problems.  I am looking forward to that.

We are both committed to this journey and I am confident that we will continue to grow within it, both together and as individuals as a result.  We do share a common goal and renewed sense of direction and are eager to continue our journey.

to be continued ...

The House That Seth Built

If you read about me you noticed that I said that I build.  Well, I am still learning to build but am quite proud of what I have build so far.

Well, here is an example of one of my early builds;

Now that you done laughing remember that if you have done any building you most likely made one just like it.

Why build?

Before I get the house I wanted to touch on the subject of why I decided to start building in the first place.  Well, that was simple, I was not happy with many of the items I had seen or had bought.  I felt I could do better, and worst case I was sure that I would do no worse than a lot of what I had seen.

So I opened the build menu an dropped down a cube, and then it started.

I was also motivated by another need, I quickly realised that prim count, or more correctly land impact, was the real thing that lay at the foundation of all builds in SL.  After all this is what drove much of the requirement for CPU cycles to handle all those pixels.

I started to look closer at what a build consisted of.  I looked into the differences between prims, sculpties, and mesh objects.  I started to look differently, and yet much more critical, of what everything I saw in a build.

Initially I started by building a simple dungeon sky-box, in the end I was quite happy with my achievement.  Yes, I had purchased a texture pack, but I build the floor, walls, ceiling, what I hoped would become a jail cell once I learned a bit about scripting, but it was a nice dungeon if I say so myself.

I was eager for several of our friends to see my accomplishment and they seemed genuinely impressed with what was in essence my first building attempt.  Of course don't get me wrong it was not perfect but I have seen much worse in several dungeons at a few clubs.

As I played around with building using SL prims I quickly realized that to make anything that looked decent it took quite a few prims in some cases.  In many cases I was not happy that a wall with a doorway and door towards the middle would take a minimum of 4 prims.

You see building in SL is purely an additive process.  You can not simply put up a wall, cut a hole in it and stick a door there.  Instead you had to put down a prim for the wall portion for each side of the door, and another for the wall portion above the door.  So this was 3 prims and you still had to add another prim for the door istelf.

Some of you may read this and say, but it can be done in 2 prims.  And in very specific cases, with some prim torture it is possible to do this in only 2 prims however you must compromise and do not have a lot of control over where the opening will be.

The dungeon also gave me  a good opportunity to play with texturing.  The even nature of the bricks meant I needed to learn how to properly align not only the prims that made up the structure, but also texture them properly so the blended surface appeared as one continuous face and not several discrete prims each with their own texture.

Why build a house?

You say why build a house when you can buy lots of quite nice houses already made.  Well I did just that in the beginning.  And for the most part we were quite happy with the house we had chosen.  It was not perfect, but it was very acceptable.  It was however also 197 prim land impact!


Now some would say why worry, we had enough prims for the house and our furniture so what is wrong.  Well there were two problems; I felt it used more prims than it needed to based on my understanding of building so far, and it had a few things that were not ideal for us.

I am sure when, as a relative noob to not only SL but even more so to building, I announced that I was planning to build us a new house that our friends were perhaps a bit skeptical and unsure of what we would wind up with.

So what kind of house do you build?

I gave that question a lot of thought, had a number of discussions with my partner and all she had to say was that she really liked the house we had but it was really up to me.  Gee, that was a whole lot of help.

But if fact it was help.  It confirmed that we had indeed bought the house we already had because we liked the overall concept and felt it fit well with our property and how we wanted it to look.  So I started to consider building a house, not identical to the one we had bought, but instead one borrowing the basic concept and changes based on how I felt it could better fit my vision for our ideal home.

Our new house

If I recall correctly the build took place over 1 week and I have made a few tweaks here and there over the week that followed.  Since that initial build I did change the stairs, railings, and sliding doors from ones I had bought to ones that I built myself.  As it stands today, this is what I managed to build for our house.  The whole house, including windows, doors, stairs, railings, fireplace, and inner room walls totals to a land impact of only 66.

Now for those of you that may be wondering, the house is almost entirely mesh.  Built using a combination of mesh wall segments from a mesh builders kit, and most other things that started as prim builds and were converted to mesh using Mesh Studio.  This is how the stairs, railings, and doors were done.  The windows for now are mostly purchased although they are slowly being replaced with ones I built myself also.

I do have in on my list (a long one it is) to rebuild the house entirely in mesh from scratch using Blender, but for now we are very happy with the house.

The Big Mistake ...

I will not go into great detail on most thing but do want to make sure that I cover at least the highlights.  So here is my second entry regarding our own journey in D/s ...

We did play around in SL by slowly adding some initial aspects of D/s.  We started to do more formal discussions, or sessions as they became to be known, where she would kneel before me as I sat in my chair looking very regal.  This actually proved to be a great way for us to communicate.

Sure we were the same people that had always talked as a couple, but all of a sudden it felt different and oddly much easier to discuss many things.  We found that we were using SL to open new channels of communication and it was bringing us much closer together.  If I were to get nothing else out of D/s that alone could have possibly been enough.

Limits

We knew the importance of boundaries, or limits as they are normally referred to.  I found a very complete list to use as a template, modified it to cover both our RL and SL lives and added a few other items to it.  We both filled it out independently and then swapped our lists.

As I read over the list I received from my partner I was somewhat surprised by what I read.  Not that there were many differences, just a few surprises of things that were not hard limits as I had expected them to be.

We discussed our lists together after we both had a chance to digest them, made a few modification, and started to move forward.  Even though there had been a few surprises I did trust that what my partner has put down to be correct however this proved later to be a bump in the road and the source of a problem and a poor reaction on my part, one of my mistakes as a noob dominant.  This however I realize and we did work through it and now better understand why honesty and openness is so critical.

A Bad Reaction

This was perhaps not my first mistake during our journey but I was a really big one.  I am not proud for the fact that I allowed my emotions to take over from logic and I failed to remain calm and in control.  In fact I sort of blew up and told her that I would ask for my collar back if this ever happened again.

Yes, I did what is perhaps one of the worst things a dominant can do to a submissive.  I am not proud of it, however I do own my responsibility to what I did.

So why had I reacted so badly?

Well, up to this point we had discussed, and I thought, we were both in full agreement of the requirement for complete openness and honesty as we proceeded into our D/s expiration and this new lifestyle.   I am not going to go into specific details as I do believe that those should remain private however this unfortunate event came about shortly after we had established our limits.

During one of our sessions I had been asking several questions, in my own attempts to ensure that I was understanding everything that we had both agreed to up to now.  I took pride in the fact that I was able to completely trust what my partner was telling me and felt she also had trust in me as well.  Heck, if we did not have that level of trust what were we doing in this place anyhow?

After a few questions that night  my partner informed me that she felt she needed to change her mind on a few of the limits.  OK, this was fine I thought, we should always be able to change our limits as we evolve so she proceeded to tell me her new feelings about what she wanted to change.

I inquired as to why she felt the need to change this and she told me that as she was talking with a close friend that day that she realized she felt differently, and that she felt very strongly about it also.

Now at this moment I was somewhat taken back but still remained in control as I considered the impacts of what she was telling me.  I was disappointed in her change of heart on this but accepting of it also.  Had things been left there for me to digest everything then I don't think I would have reacted as I had.

Unfortunately this is where things took a turn for the worse.  She felt the need to explain why she had changed her mind.  However much of what I was hearing were little more than excuses in what I felt was an attempt to cover up the fact that in fact she had not been honest with me in the first place during many of our discussions.  I felt that the trust I had placed in everything she had told me had been broken and I was devastated as I considered all the possible repercussions had I proceeded based on the information I had been given.

All of a sudden I saw no foundation from which we could even start anything D/s related and certainly not one where anything could continue.

And to make matters worse, even though I had told her to stop on the subject for now she continued to try to explain and gave more explanations and excuses.  This only served to anger me which added to increase my concerns of any possibility for this to continue.

So, in a moment of which I am not proud, I informed her that if anything like that ever happened again I would ask for my collar to be removed and returned to me.  Was this wrong?  In many ways yes it was, however I also saw no way that we could ever continue in a D/s relationship if we did not both have complete openness and honesty between ourselves.

So what was the real problem?

Well, as any couple does, we both have a different take on what really happened.  I accept that she has her's even though I do not believe she is being completely honest with herself even and certainly does not understand why I was so upset.

One of the things that I do, for good or for bad, is that I rarely look at any single event or action.  I look for the pattern, the context from which these actions were derived.  I do not believe that these patterns in our lives change very much, and if they do, they certainly do not so do overnight or on a whim.

When I considered all the conversations we had had up to that point, all the things we discussed over and over, all the things we told each other we agreed to, I saw that one of these patterns had done a 180 degree shift all at once.  This was not a change of mind, but rather a change of her core being in my mind and this was not possible.

I looked back at a number of the things where I had been told things that surprised me, several of which were directly related to this "new" change of mind I saw a definite pattern.  I felt that she had, as she had a tendency to do sometimes, been telling me what she felt I wanted to hear and not what was truly in her heart and at the core of her soul.  This meant that she was not being open and honest with me!

So what happened?

Well of course we ended our session for that night, there was no way that either of us would be able to discuss anything until be digested what just happened.  I know she was left devastated by what I had said to her, and I left wondering how anything could even continue.

I think we both spoke with a mutual friend that was supportive of us both, although I think she was less supportive of me on this one.  In fact she kind of gave me an earful as she told me what she saw and how she felt I over reacted.  I did not agree with everything she was telling me since there was some context she was not aware of.  However no matter what I wanted to know what she saw from her perspective and accepted all her information so I could digest it.

The Resolution

As I considered everything that happened, everything I had been told, everything I knew about my partner I still felt that she had not been honest with me.  However I also felt that in this case she had in fact not been honest with herself either. So if this were true then she could not have been lying to me when in fact she should have left such a subject as undecided until she better understood herself.

Now that I was able to find a logical explanation for what had happened there was a solid basis from which we could approach a resolution to this and find a way to repair the rift that had been created the night before.

I was not at home at that time so I sent a quick message to my partner in the hopes that it would help at least start to put her mind at ease that she would  not lose me over this.

That night we had another session to discuss very openly what and why things transpired as they did.  We were able to both come to an understanding and took from it a few valuable lessons on the critical importance of complete honesty and openness between us, as well as with ourselves.  We also agreed that if there was anything that either of us was not certain about that it would be identified as such and not a simple yes/no but rather an undecided.

We also took another lesson away,  one that I know she still struggles with at times, but where it is always best to answer questions with short and concise responses.  To not keep adding information that was not asked for.  This too had been part of the catalyst for the very bad reaction that started it all.

It took a while, a lot of discussions, and a lot of work to bring everything back on-track after what had happened.  In many ways I do regret what happened however we both took responsibility for our actions and responses and learned from it.  In the end it has helped to bring us even closer and I would hope continues to ensure that we are truly open and honest with each other as well as with ourselves at all times.

So what was so bad about it all?

If you are still reading then I believe you deserve to know a bit more of why this "thing" had evoked such a bad reaction.  I have not been specific of what happened, and for all you know, she perhaps decided that she never wanted to wear red.

I am still not going to go into specifics as they remain private however I will hopefully provide the overall context.

The reason all of this had been so bad, at least in my mind, was that although some of the initial discussions and limits had been surprising to me I did put complete trust that they had all been correctly vetted and were in fact solidly established up to that point.  The "thing" was not a single item but a much larger group of feelings and a direction from which many other things could have transpired.

What made this "thing" so very bad was that it opened doors to situations for which I may have put my partner into, knowing that we had already agreed, these things were not only acceptable but somewhat wanted.  The suddenly only to discover that we would have found ourselves in a situation for which neither of us was properly prepared.  It would have potentially put my partner in harms way, more mentally than physically, but very much one for which I would not have been prepared to handle.  This could have had devastating consequences.

For me there was also an additional aspect to all of this.  I had finally came to a place where I put complete trust in what my partner was telling me.  Even though some of the things may have surprised me and been unexpected, I had put complete faith in the fact that there were indeed correct and valid.  I stopped second guessing whenever anything surprised me and I took pride in the fact that I was able to trust everything I was being told.  This however also meant that my complete trust was perhaps premature and threw many things in doubt for me.

The Message

So yes, I have made mistakes along the way.  I would like to say that is my only one but I am flawed, just like everyone else.  I am trying much harder to remain in control and to never allow emotion to take over.

I can not stress enough the importance of communication.  It is of critical importance that you talk about EVERYTHING.  But don't just talk, be open and honest.  Do not just say something because you don't want to disappoint your partner.  Don't just say something to try and impress your partner either.

Be 100% open and honest in every way possible.  Be 100% open and honest with yourself at all times. If you are undecided about something or don't fully understand something, say so.  Your partner and your relationship will thank you for it in the end.

I would also say that you should try and answer questions without adding "extra" or unnecessary and perhaps irrelevant information.  Know that if more information is needed it will be asked for by the other partner.  It is surprising how many misunderstandings can be avoided this way.  It also helps to keep discussions on track and flowing

I would also suggest that all partners agree that there will be times where either of you may not be able to discuss, or continue to discuss a particular subject.  Agree to allow such subjects to be deferred to another time whenever either partner feels the need to.  This may not always be easy but without a way out in "those" moments, there is no way to remain in control of your emotions.  It does not mean that you will not talk about it, and please do not use it to simply avoid a subject, but do try to always remain in control of your emotions during discussions with your partner.

My Thoughts on D/s

So what is D/s?

Well I think the following picture and text capture the essence of what it really is.

From my perspective D/s is a power exchange relationship where both people have to submit.  Yes, that's right, I said "submit". Now before you possibly take offense to what I just said let me explain my reason for saying it.

It is true that the submissive partner yields control to the dominant partner.  This is done knowingly and willingly.  How much or how little of the power is yielded is based on each couple's own discussions and agreements.  It requires trust and it is here where the dominant partner must also submit.

He, or she, must submit to the relationship and the trust within that relationship.  From the bond between the partners, he/she must believe and trust that this power exchange is true and as agreed.  This takes a leap of faith and is in many ways the dominats own submission - to the lifestyle and the relationship.

Our own dynamic

I know our circumstances are different from many people's in the lifestyle, especially so in SL.  They are not unique, but we are in the minority I know for sure.  We are a married couple, both in RL as well as SL, with a long term relationship, which until recently was based on equality.  We are now transitioning that into a new dynamic based on what we have taken from D/s thus far.  It is a slow and gradual process that can not be rushed, and is being done in both RL as well as SL.

Since we are first and foremost committed to our marriage as our primary relationship it takes time and patience as well as a large degree of flexibility.  Something I am afraid that many couples in D/s may not always allow or accept, especially here in SL.

It has not always been easy and some may even say we are just pretending and not really Dom and sub.  To those people I would only comment that this is our relationship and we will do what works for us.  This is an evolving dynamic and one where our primary relationship shall always take priority.

Those that take the time to get to know us I believe see the commitment we have for each other and know differently.  If anyone else has a problem with that then it is only they who need deal with it.  We are comfortable with what we have and where we are at this time.

What's in  a name?

My wife calls me "my Master", both at home and when we are out amongst others.  I tend to call her either "my dear" or "my love" as this represents her status to me.  She wears a collar with the label "Seth's Precious" because that too represents what she means to me and is meant to communicate that to anyone that looks to see.

Do I deserve the term Master?  After all, I am new to D/s and for that matter any relation based on any aspect of BDSM.  Initially I asked her to only use the "Sir" designation however as we started to settling into our roles she wanted to call me Master as for her that is what I represent.  For this reason she now calls me "my Master".

By calling me "my Master" this refers to me as only her Master and is not meant to mean that I have mastered all there is.  I am quite sure that will be a life long persuit, one of which I intend to do my best, for her as well as myself.

Protocols and Rules

At the beginning we did not do much for rules and had almost no protocols other than her kneeling for me when she first met me online.  As we learned more we found that protocols and rules were tools that are used to help re-enforce the power exchange between us.  That will be the subject of another post so I will not go into details here.