Responsibility and Ownership

I wanted to write more about our own journey and what at least I have gained thus far however as I sat down I found these thoughts screaming to get out. So bear with me as I perhaps rant a bit, but this is my blog so I can rant if I chose to.


The reality of “owning” someone 24/7 differs greatly from the fantasy image that so many have. How hard can it be? After-all she is now yours and has only one response to everything; “Yes my Master”. When is the throws of a sexual encounter, she can say either “Oh yes my Master”, “May I cum now my Master” or maybe even “Hmmmfff” because of the ball gag you put in her mouth.  But she has no real voice, right?


But consider the reality that the submissive has given herself into YOUR care and thus you are now RESPONSIBLE for her as well as for yourself. She has given to you her body, mind, soul as well as any and all past baggage. She has shared her deepest secrets and has bared all her weaknesses to you in the trust that you will not cause her any lasting harm physically or emotionally. I qualify this as “lasting” because the S&M aspects, if they exists within the dynamic, do play into potential harm both physically and emotionally however it is mutually consensual and should never be intended to be permanent or lasting.


So not only must you protect and care for her, you must feed her both literally and emotionally. You must strive to feed the hunger within that are her erotic needs and to also nurture that submissive part of her that needs to be a part of you and who you are.


This person that you now are responsible will be a contradiction at times, both so very strong and yet also so very vulnerable and fragile. She is like putty in your hand at times and other times may be unbreakable bamboo branch, refusing or unable to waver. This does not make her any less submissive, it simply means that she is alive and a normal, vibrant strong human. These are most likely the traits that attracted you to her in the first place.


You have your own needs and in her submission she strives to help fulfill them without hesitation. However you must also remember that she has her needs as well. You already know this because you would have inspected the goods and made sure she was to your liking and compatible or surely you would have never taken ownership at all, right. So by taking ownership you have committed to accepting all the responsibility that it entails.


Now as you both try and make the dynamic work there will be specific things you may or may not like, there may be things that act as “triggers” that may elicit an unwanted response that you can not fully control so these are made clear and are then expected to be no future problem. After-all you are now Master and it is up to the submissive, the one you now own, to be in compliance with YOUR needs and desires. But wait she also brings with her those very same kinds of things, is it reasonable to believe that they can be simply discounted and are insignificant because they don't align with what you want?


Now I don't want to debate the S&M aspects that may exist but I strongly believe that no matter what labels or names you chose to use what you have is a relationship. As such this submissive that you now own should be the most precious item you possess and thus there is a need to protect her in every way possible. This is where I believe the responsibility is in fact deeply rooted. You have an obligation to yourself to protect your possessions and you have a responsibility to all that it means to be the Dominant and owner, to nurture the submissive so that she remains true to both herself and also that which you most desire to possess.


If I consider for a moment my own relationship with my wife who is now also my submissive I realize that I see our relationship differently than I did when we were simply “vanilla”. In our marriage we agreed to a union whereby we shared our lives, there was no “ownership” and I had only some assumed responsibility to her based on my own beliefs.   In our D/s union she has given to me her mind, body and soul so that I am now responsible for it in a way I was not before. I do now have a vested interest to ensure it is treated as my most precious possession and not simply my partner.


I knew this before entering into our D/s relationship and I wanted this level of commitment. I felt we were both in a place where we could now make this work and begin a new journey together.  I believed I could now provide a a solid foundation within my own mind. This however took me the past few years of self exploration and discovery to get to this point and I am very sure that even a year ago this would not have been possible.


I do see my responsibilities and obligations to her represented by the collar she wears to be much deeper than those represented by the wedding band. In the vanilla relationship I may have simply felt “well fine, just deal with it yourself” if I did or said something she did not like, but now I must consider my actions and responses much more carefully. I must at least attempt to remove emotion from conflict and act with wisdom considering any impact to both ourselves equally as a minimum. My choices are now not as much one sided. They are based on the good of the family unit while also making sure that she is protected and cared for to the best of my abilities.


We have both seen and felt this change within our relationship. We have both grown and now know each other much better. While she is submissive to me it is still important to both herself as well as I, that she keep her independence. I want, and expect, her to remain strong. She does now accept more guidance from me to help build herself as a person because she now knows that I have her best interests in mind at all times.


By me taking ownership and accepting the responsibilities and obligations, by me honouring all that is meant by that, by aligning my choices from this new position, and by using my knowledge from a place of wisdom, my choices and actions have helped to foster an increased trust between us to a level that would not be there otherwise. I did not do this alone and could not have without her acceptance and our ongoing and bi-directional communication.


It is here that I see the true core essence of what this lifestyle can bring to a relationship and also why it is imperative that this bond of mutual trust never be taken for granted.

Are there continued responsibilities?

I have recently seen a few friends go through some difficult times within their relationships, some work through them and come out the other end stronger and revitalized and others unfortunately have separated. As a friend I am unable to do much of anything but sit back and watch. Sure I can be a confidant or a shoulder to cry on when needed but one my personal and house rules is to never interfere with another family dynamic. Morally I have no right to do so either.


Unless I am an integral and intimate member of a family, privy to each and everything that has transpired, there is no way I can even begin to know what should be done so any “guidance” from me would be based on incomplete and/or inaccurate information with much of it supposition and pure speculation. As hard as this is at times, it is something I work very hard to ensure that I do not interfere. That does not mean I can not be supportive and perhaps help mediate if I am asked to, but choices and direction are quite frankly non of my business to influence.


Now it seems I have digressed from what I want to say, but it is this conflict and its unfortunate outcome that concerns me. I often see the responsibility thrown out the window far more often than I see otherwise. Why is it that the person you once loved and cared for becomes this hated person or someone you simply discarded with zero consideration for their physical or mental well being? Why is it that for some there is not only collateral harm but calculated and intentional harm done at this time?


It is my belief that the Dominant that took on the responsibility of ownership in the beginning has a continued obligation to, as a minimum, help the submissive through a transition of being owned to one where she is not and is able to stand on her own. Those very things that drive her core needs, her submission itself, have just been yanked out from under her when she was let go! So yes, lasting damage has already been done to her emotionally but I to believe this can and must be minimized.


Please remember she did not just become worthless and a piece of trash to be disposed of, rather for various reasons it simply did not work out. You did not suddenly become different people, it is only that the dynamic between you has changed but the responsibility remains. If you cared once then you still do, even if it may be clouded with negative emotions. So be honourable and just admit that it is merely that for whatever reason(s) you are incompatible within a symbiotic and mutually fulfilling relationship and move on with the same dignity and integrity that the submissive saw in you at the beginning.


It is my strong belief that YOU have a continued obligation to her to do no further or ongoing harm by trying to tear her apart emotionally. I believe this extends well past the point at which you both separate.


It is perhaps during this phase where your true nature will reveal itself by how and you handle this. I can assure you that however you chose to handle things it will be observed by friends and those around, and will inevitably demonstrate to others the kind of person you actually are. Our actions really do speak for us much more than our words do.


So in closing I want to say that while ownership has it rewards, and they can be wondrous, it takes a lot of work and is not something anyone should do if they are unable to take on all of the responsibility and obligations to the submissive that goes with it.

Judgements

Last night at class a comment was made which led to a number of comments from participants of the class. I would have liked to have said something as well but felt the topic had already been discussed more than it should have especially since it was a tangent to the actual subject matter. At the same time I felt much of what had been said needed to be said. The person handling the class accommodated the discussion very well and also prevented it from going on for too long.


Before I mention the actual topic I will say that I see this happen far too often and it has been one of the things that bothers be from time to time. I lack RL experience of what happens in discussions around the lifestyle so my point of reference is only within SL, however at least in SL this seems to be quite prevalent.

Sometimes I wonder if the assumed anonymity we believe we have in SL changes our behavior in some situations and I do expect that in some ways it does for some.  I also believe however that we can not hide who we are at the core and this bleeds through for even those that try to hide it. 


One of the things I like about most of the people I have met so far within the lifestyle is their openness and acceptance of others. Everyone seems to agree that we all practice in our own ways and each family or relationship has a unique dynamic. This acceptance I find refreshing and truly believe that the whole human race could benefit from such acceptance.


However I also see that there are certain subjects or topics where this often falls apart and personal biases and prejudices come to light. I believe last night this is what happened. I do not want to mention any names as I believe they are unimportant for this post and I hope to do my part to protect the innocent.


The topic that sparked this debate or argument was poly relationships. The original comment was well worded and not made personal, it was simply a generalization that it was not for him and his family. Unfortunately a comment from another class participant had been worded perhaps in a less than ideal way and certainly sounded judgmental and anyone in a poly relationship would have taken offense to it.


Of course there was at least one class participant that is in a poly relationship, which I already knew as I have seen him and his family at various discussions. He very eloquently argued of course in favour of poly but stated that it was not for everyone but also reaffirmed that judgement should not be passed by those from the outside.


I don't want to delve into details but I do want to comment on what I saw happen and will make my own comment and observation in this post in the hopes it gives another point of view.


I have mentioned poly in another of my posts, and although I am in a long term monogamous relationship I have met several poly families that I look at with a great deal of respect and in some ways envy. I don't look at these relationships and think the people are cheating, although I now that can happen in poly too, I don't see dissatisfied partners and I don't see people wanting their cake and eating it too so to speak.


I look at these families and see the very high degree of respect each member has for the others within the family. I see the high degree of communication, understanding, openness, and most of all the mutual respect, compassion and empathy necessary within such a dynamic. I envy these people in that they have reached a point where they are able to bring this to such a high level. To be honest I see some of these families and I think they may actually be happier than many monogamous families.


Of course I can not say this from experience and I am quite sure they have their own problems and hurdles to face. It is hard enough to make a relationship work between 2 people, heck I know people that can't get along with themselves let alone another person.


If we consider the math for a second. A simple 2 person discussion for a moment has the potential for 2 misunderstandings of what is being said between the people. In a 3 person dynamic this increases to a potential for 6 misunderstandings and by the time we get to a 4 person dynamic this increases to 24.


I also see an added benefit that these poly families have that most others do not. This was mentioned last night as well and made me smile. These poly families have, at least in some cases, an increased probability of making better and more informed decisions. There is at least one other party, with a vested interest in the relationship, to act as a sounding board and to help validate decisions. This I believe in fact can make these families stronger and more resilient than our traditional monogamous families.


It is also my belief that like most mammals on this planet we may not be hardwired for monogamy, but rather this is due to social pressures and expectations of others more than it is from nature itself. I am sure many have different opinions and that is their right, just as I have my own right to my opinion on this.


As we grow throughout life and transition from children into adults many of our personalities and beliefs are a result of instruction and “lessons learned”. I don't know if anyone even knows how much nature has to do with who we actually become or why.


If I consider this for a moment then I also have to accept that everything I believe may not be actually “my own” beliefs but rather those imposed on me in one way or another. This of course could also be debated and I know in the end there is no concrete answer for this and I accept that.


We all have our own beliefs, regardless of how they got there, and they will certainly not agree with others all the time. We only need to remember, and make conscious effort to keep it in check all the time if necessary, that our own beliefs are just that, our own, and they should never be imposed or even compared to those of others.


I have said it before but I will repeat it here also. I was once told that you never discuss politics or religion because an argument is sure to ensue for which there will never be an agreement. Over my life I have seen this come true, however I believe that perhaps a few other items should be added to that list; D/s related names and labels, and quite possibly relationships or at least types of relationships.


I dream of the day where everyone just gets along and is truly accepting of everyone around them without bias or passing judgement in any way. Unfortunately I am not so sure that day will ever come, but we all need a dream ... and goal ...

Learning

I have been asked a few times why I chose to go to group discussions and/or classes. This is usually within the scope of D/s and/or BDSM however it is not limited to only those subjects either.

Learning

I am one of those people that learns best on the fly and while doing. I typically do not learn as well within a class or structured environment and I know this about myself. Having said that however I also know that as part of my own learning process I tend to do my own due diligence to validate whatever information I am given while also filtering and applying my own past experiences to it.


I come from a very technical background coupled with a lot of practical experience across many different disciplines. My interests are widely varied and many people see me as “all over the place” at times. At the point I am now in my own life I certainly have my own opinions and biases however I am often relieved that these too remain flexible and continue to evolve as I do.


I have experienced enough throughout life to know that one's credentials can, at times, be less than an ideal way to judge their credibility. For me respect is not something automatically given, but rather is earned, I do however approach everyone with an open mind and form my own judgements as time goes on.


I certainly do not trust everything I am taught or told. I was once taught that our solar system had 9 planets and Pluto was one of them. This had to be correct because my teachers told me so and it was printed in all the materials I read. Now as I sit here and type this poor Pluto is no longer a planet and our solar system has only 8 planets, however I am not confident this will never change again. It is in fact a point which is argued by people with much more knowledge on the subject than I.


I use this as a good example of how things we may have been taught as “concrete” and established facts may indeed not be as concrete as we may be led to believe. Heck I was once told that sex was bad, if I believed that I would never be writing this in the first place. Instead I saw it as a challenge to seek to better understand what made it “bad”.


These changes in what we have been taught do not necessarily make the subjects or informational bits wrong and should not prevent us from learning. It does however mean that what we have learned and accepted as fact for ourselves needs to have some degree of flexibility to it. Things change as we, and/or others, learn more and this can at times have an impact on those things we have already learned.


I certainly see BDSM and D/s very much in this way. Not so much because I expect most of the things within it to change but rather I do expect my own understanding of these things to evolve as I dig deeper within and continue to expand my own knowledge of the practices. I can read all I want and it will never give me the same insight as hearing someone describe one of their own personal experiences, good or bad. I also know that these very people that are teaching and or sharing their experiences are also learning and therefore their own opinions are subject to change.


So I guess what I am saying is that for me at least it is important to get information from a number of different people and sources. The more commonality I see from these various bits of information the more comfortable I am “trusting” them to be valid. This also helps to establish the context for any of the informational bits which for me is perhaps more important that the actual information itself.


My major focus when I learn anything new is to concentrate on what is bad, or less than ideal. When I learn a new tool I want to know what it does not do because these will be the things that I have to find other solutions or work-rounds for. Learning what it does do is then much easier. I use this same approach with everything I get tackle and my learning of BDSM and D/s has been no different.

Credentials

I have mentioned that credentials do not automatically indicate credibility. I am much more likely to accept information from someone I can see is practising what he/she is teaching and indeed “living it” rather than someone that says he/she has 100 years experience but shows no signs of actually “living it”. To be honest I am more likely to trust someone that does not start off by telling me their credentials no matter how valid they may be.


I have experienced far too many people, in many different disciplines, that in fact had very impressive credentials but were incapable of teaching, and in some cases they actually showed no apparent signs of even knowing the subject material at all. I have also seen the opposite and found people with no “accepted” credentials in a discipline but yet they could indeed teach and demonstrate to others a very solid grasp on the subject(s).

Summary

So in closing I just wanted to say that it is important to obtain information from as many different sources as you can. Discussion groups and/or classes can be valuable sources of information. Look for the consistent message contained within and there you will find the real information that you can add to your knowledge-base.


Of course please use some common sense and know your own limits, do not try brain surgery just because you read the “Surgery for Dummies” book.

Safety and Responsibility

Before I post anything else I believe I owe to anyone that is reading this, as well as to the BDSM lifestyle and community as a whole, to speak about safety.


Today's programming is been brought to you by the letters S, A, F, E, T, and Y.


I believe that we are responsible for our own safety however this lifestyle increases the requirement for safety and for which the dominant or top is primarily responsible. I will not go in the details here as there is a plethora of good information on this subject all you need do is to look for it.


I do believe that safety and responsibility go hand in hand. This is where us dominants, or tops, need to be acutely aware of everything that we possible can. Be prepared for what we will do when goes wrong. Yes I did say “when” and not “if”.


When planning any scene, or for that matter anything you plan to do at all, consider all parties involved, their knowledge level of the subject(s) necessary, any fears or apprehensions that may exist, the equipment if there is any, and most importantly everything you failed to think of.


So often in life I have had people come to me about various cautions and say “Yes I know, but the chance of that happening is remote”. Trust me, if there is a chance, any chance at all, then it could happen at anytime. Those people I tend to ask them a simple question; “Do you buy lottery tickets?”. I ask this to make them stop and think for a moment. The chance of actually winning the lottery is far less than the chance of something going wrong in a scene but we all but them or know people that do. Why, because there is always that chance.


Unfortunately I believe that as a result of evolution our brains are hardwired to underestimate anything bad and overestimate anything good. Otherwise I do not believe we would be capable of evolution in the first place. We would never take any chances, no leaps of faith, and nothing would ever change. It takes conscious thought to consider any given thing and consider what possible things could go wrong.


You will never be 100% prepared for everything that can, and one day, will go wrong. Knowing that it can happen however, and preparing for it and having a plan is what you need to do however.

Failing to plan is planning to fail.

I myself am fascinated with rope play, I am amazed at the beauty represented in especially the Japanese style rope bondage which we often refer to it as Shibari, although this is not actually the correct name. Regardless of the name I however also know that I lack the skills and equipment necessary to do any of it myself safely. I also know that this also carries with it a number of new safety concerns for which my partner and I are not properly equipped and skilled to handle so this is another reason it is not practiced by us. Perhaps one day it will, but only if and when we both feel ready to do so safely.


I talk to some that do practice breath play, and while I can see the attraction this, in my opinion, crosses a line whereby no degree of planning can ensure safety. I for one never want to be in a situations where I say “Oops! Now what do I tell everyone?” or “But officer ... she wanted it ... really this was her idea ... I just forgot to count to 30 faster.”


For many of us our hard limits are there in part to enforce safety. We should all have a safe-word also and this is perhaps most to protect the dominant more so than the submissive partner. You are responsibly for your own safety and those that you are with, sometimes it may be necessary to protect them from themselves for the sake of safety, that is OK. Having someone upset with you for not tying them to the rafters even though you don't know how is better than having to go to the ER with your partner and carrying her arm because Oops! ... it just ripped off when she slipped from a suspension rig because you tied a knot wrong.


I will end this post asking you to learn all that you can about whatever you may be doing and with whom. Only do what you are all comfortable with and for which you properly equipped and prepared to handle. Accidents can and will happen, make sure you know how to deal with them ahead of time while making every effort to avoid them wherever possible. Don't leave safety to chance.


I sincerely hope the only lottery you win is one that pays out money ...

Names and Labels

I am writing this as it relates to the dominant, and also from my male gender perspective. I will apologize in advance if you disagree with anything I have to say, these are simply my own thoughts and observations.


When I was looking for every definition of the dominant names and labels I could find I ran across one blog than stated it in very simple terms. You may have a different ideas, but I do think this very simple summary is rather accurate albeit oversimplified.


A Sir is one who Dominates
A Daddy is one who loves the one he Dominates
A Master is one who owns the one he Dominates


Now if we take those simple definitions then my partner should be calling me “Daddy” and perhaps not Master. This however would never work for us since for her the name “Daddy” has far different family (think father) meaning and quite frankly she is not into incest and this is how she would see in in her own mind. I do know this for a fact since we have spoken at great length on this very subject.


To be honest I struggle with my partner calling me “my Master” at times. I know that there are many in the lifestyle that upon hearing that may simple write me off as a want-to-be. For those people I am sorry and our use of that name is not intended to offend in any way. Our use is simply to convey my position within our own relationship and also one where when my partner uses it in public allows her to distinguish me from other dominants around us.


One thing that I have been struck with since I started to seriously investigate BDSM and particularly D/s based relationships. That is the use of names and/or labels and how sometimes things appear to be somewhat hypocritical. I am sorry if that offends you, but please take a moment to consider the context in which it is meant.


One of the things the BDSM community as a whole prides itself on I believe is the widely varying degrees and ways in which it may be practiced. As a community it seems to be universally accepted within that there is no real right or wrong (well yes there are some wrong ways for sure – think safety and such) way but that each party will do their own thing(s) within its boundaries. I also seems that what is commonly referred to as High Protocol is usually reserved for specific occasions, events, and in some case specific locations. I also see that the lines are blurred for many people when it comes to exactly what they may be, but that is accepted since we are all individuals practicing in our ways.


Now where the problem seems to come in is with names and labels, in this there is for many no flexibility at all. On one had many dominants would prefer to be called only by their name by anyone other than their own submissive(s).  Some do not accept the term Master to be used at all for anyone that does not have 1000 years experience.  Others take great offense should any submissive type not refer to them as Sir or Miss at all times, and may go as far to demand punishment should any slip-up occur.


This very issue is perhaps what we ourselves struggled with at first and is why we started our journey into D/s “in the closet” if you will, doing so only in private. At first even our friends did not know that we had started to “experiment” between ourselves. My partner was quite frankly terrified of offending anyone or appearing disrespectful in any way to anyone around us. I am sure that if this was our situation then others have found themselves in the same.


It was only after my partner was able to accept that part of my “job” was to be responsible for her and protect her that she was even able to start to relax on this. I told her that from my perspective as long as she was conscious of the potential problem but always did her best when communicating then she must relax about it. I explained to her that if she ever did forget to refer to someone “properly” to simply correct herself and apologize. I also told her that if after that if anyone still had an issue that she was to send them directly to me for a resolution.


It was only by putting these steps in place that I felt I could take my partner out in public as a submissive. Not because I was not proud, but I had to protect her until she was able to deal with her fears on this or I would be remiss in my responsibilities to her and our relationship.


I was always told that the two subjects you never discuss are politics and religion as they are sure to start an argument with disagreements for which there is not resolution. It seems that in some ways names/labels within the lifestyle should perhaps be added to that list also. Everyone has their own definitions and although there are many common threads there are also often specific distinctions each individual has and disagreements may often result argument.


So I will end this post by reiterating that my partner calls me “my Master” not in an attempt to show ourselves in a more M/s relationship or that I am a true master of BDSM. I am simply her dominant partner, a master only to her and in her own eyes. We are in fact in a D/s relationship and I love her dearly.


And with that said, me being me (you know me my dear) I can not resist ...

Come to Daddy my dear ...

I Make No Mistakes

I knew that would get your attention and I am sure you are thinking “yeah right buddy!”.

So before I lose all credibility I will say that I do make are sometimes impulsive and/or irrational choices, which are at times based on incorrect or incomplete information. Sometimes these can even be clouded by emotions.  They are however choices I make at that moment in time.


Regardless of how often these kinds of choices may be made, when I later look back with the added benefit of hindsight I do not see them as mistakes. They are instead what become more of what we call “life lessons”.  The mistake would be if I learned nothing from them.


In almost every case, if I am honest with myself and remove hindsight from the equation when reviewing any given choice, I believe I would make exactly the same choice again given the exact same set of circumstances. That is not to say that now knowing more that I may not perhaps make a different one. This however is because I learned something as a result of that choice which I may not have otherwise.


So now that we have cleared up what I mean when I say “I make no mistakes” I hope you understand the context in which it is meant.


One of the things that my journey this far into D/s has helped we with is self control, and this helps tremendously when making decisions. I am much less prone to jumping to a quick conclusion but rather take more time to analyze and review what information I have in order to help me make a better, and what I hope are, more rational decisions. I do this not only for myself but also because an increased sense of responsibility to my partner and this has a ripple effect throughout the rest of my life as well.


Even as recent as a year ago I do not believe that I was in a place where I could have taken on this role with my partner. Sure, I was confident and able to take charge. Heck I managed groups of people at work and am well (I think and am told) respected by those around me. Looking back however I feel that perhaps some of my decisions within my relationship were too one-sided whereby I did not always consider the impact on my partner. I did not always use the same decision making process within my relationship as I did at work.


Through our journey into D/s and also my own journey of self-discovery I have a renewed and heightened sense of responsibility and I am also better able to take full ownership of those choices. I also do not care as much about what anyone else may think. It is not that I do not value the opinion of others, in fact I very much do and actively seek this out at times. What I do mean however is that I own my decisions, for good, or for bad.


By taking on the role within our relationship I am making a statement to my partner and those around us that I am responsible for everything that happens for which I can have any impact upon.  Regardless of what I chose, I must consider the impact on my partner and our relationship as well as myself.


I think that perhaps because previously we lived as equals I did not always take into consideration the impact(s) on her as much as I should have. She was after all able to make her own choices and as a result accepted her own consequences. This however is impractical within a relationship because everything we do impacts all parties within the relationship.


I am not saying that D/s was a fix for this, but rather that at least for me it has helped me to grow as a person and as a mate to my partner.  I believe this is, in part, because of the significant increase in communication between us, but it goes much deeper than that. For me the collar that she proudly wears around her neck means so much more to me than the ring she wears on her finger.  It is not a symbol of ownership but rather one of responsibility.


Whenever someone asks who I am at my core I tell them that I am a sum total of all my flaws and experiences.  I am certainly not perfect, and yes I do make mistakes.  I do however also try to learn from them and also minimize the fallout wherever or whenever possible.

We are all shaped by everything that goes on around us and what are our own life lessons.  Every choice we make changes that in some way or another and helps us to grow.  We need to all keep in mind that no matter how small any one of these may "choices" may appear to be, its outcome will have an impact on others around us as well in some manner.


This post may not make sense and may simply be my own verbal ramblings but I felt the need to put these thoughts down while they were fresh in my mind.

A Group Discussion and My First Class

So yesterday was a busy day but I did attend a discussion as well as my first class in my formal education to being a better dominant for my partner.

Family

So the discussion was held as D/s Academy by Zano, it was on what family is and if a D/s lifestyle changes that. Zano s one of the facilitators I do like hearing, he is articulate and at times he has unique perspective on things which I find refreshing. My schedule often does not permit me to attend his discussions unfortunately but yesterday did.


He was part way through a book called Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality. I have not read this book and do not believe anyone else attending yesterday had either, but for the discussion purposes it set the subject of the discussion. What is family and does D/s change that?


I can say that although I am not, nor have I been in a poly relationship, I do believe that if we set aside societies' judgements and imposed morals, that we are all in fact all poly-amorous. Most of us chose to live in monogamous relationships where we love and care for only one person. We are however able to move into another relationship and love and care for someone else after the previous relationship ends. So we may not be poly in what many think of it to be, it is however what I believe to be serial polygamy. I know of VERY few people that have been in only one single relationship for their entire life.


Now during my time in SL, and that has only been slightly more than 8 months by now, I have certainly seen a proportionally larger number of poly relationships in here. Very often these are within a D/s dynamic. I do not know the reason for this although I suspect some of it is that within the confines of SL we tend to be more free to me who we are, or want to be. I also suspect that in a number of these cases it is imposed by one partner onto the other, and often the dominant has imposed this.


I do know that myself I gave consideration to this subject and asked myself if I myself could function within a poly relationship, and although I do believe I could I am also quite sure that my partner could not. Now I do not know how much of this is me being what some would see as a typical male and wanting my cake and eat it too. I do however believe that we all possess the capacity to love and care for more than one person at any given time. I also believe that does not in any way diminish the love for the other.


Since my wife and I are in a long term and committed relationship, which is my primary responsibility and focus, I would be negligent if I put her within a new family dynamic where I knew she would not function well. Our being monogamous is however is due much more to conscious choice rather than nature and is the point I am wanting to make. I do however look at those poly families that seem to make it work in amazement.


Sure from the outside we look and think what wondrous sex they must all have (be honest you do to). This I believe is simply our own society imposed morals and prejudices creeping to the surface, combined with our own fantasies. What I see however if I look deeper however is a dynamic where each member has perfected the honesty, trust, self-awareness, self-doubt, and most importantly communication to high enough levels to allow this to function. I see actually a higher degree of caring and commitment within these people.


I am sure that most of you may read this and disagree and that is OK. But please do not also be quick to make assumptions and pass judgements on such family dynamics juts because you may not agree.

Being a dominant

So last night was my first class at Solace of Submission (SOS) as a student for their level 1 series for dominants. I had originally found these classes early when I came to SL when I was eager to find all the resources I could. Unfortunately I always missed when a new series actually started so it is only now that I get to take them.


Why go to class if I am already within a D/s dynamic? Well, that is an easy answer - to learn.


For me D/s is certainly not about the sex (wink ,wink) but rather what I see that it adds to the relationship. It is not that without D/s a relationship can not be great, but I do believe, and which am experiencing for myself, that it is able to bring a relationship to a new level. This new level is no longer just two people coexisting as equals but rather they become one in a symbiotic dance of give and take. Awareness becomes heightened, the energy that flows within the relationship merges and becomes something different and more harmonious.


What I have also found is that the amount of work necessary to keep a D/s dynamic flowing is much more than the work needed for what most would consider a typical or “vanilla” relationship. There is a critical requirement for honesty, trust, and openness that I believe all relationships could benefit from.


Because D/s is also within the much broader scope of BDSM there are also some practices which will come into play for most. These require an increased awareness of safety and is another reason for wanting to learn.


Although last night was my first class I was very happy to see that the material planned to be covered was as I had expected. The class was perhaps a bit smaller than I expected but there were enough people to provide great input through comments and questions throughout the class.


My only complaint had nothing to do with the class at all. SL's voice chat simply sucks sometimes!


This first class was supposed to be held last week but was postponed because of grid wide voice problems. Last night at least voice worked and for most of the night quite well. There were a few times where lag and packet loss became a problem but we all live with this and cope the best we can.


I am looking forward to the rest of the classes.


Until next time ...