Judgements

Last night at class a comment was made which led to a number of comments from participants of the class. I would have liked to have said something as well but felt the topic had already been discussed more than it should have especially since it was a tangent to the actual subject matter. At the same time I felt much of what had been said needed to be said. The person handling the class accommodated the discussion very well and also prevented it from going on for too long.


Before I mention the actual topic I will say that I see this happen far too often and it has been one of the things that bothers be from time to time. I lack RL experience of what happens in discussions around the lifestyle so my point of reference is only within SL, however at least in SL this seems to be quite prevalent.

Sometimes I wonder if the assumed anonymity we believe we have in SL changes our behavior in some situations and I do expect that in some ways it does for some.  I also believe however that we can not hide who we are at the core and this bleeds through for even those that try to hide it. 


One of the things I like about most of the people I have met so far within the lifestyle is their openness and acceptance of others. Everyone seems to agree that we all practice in our own ways and each family or relationship has a unique dynamic. This acceptance I find refreshing and truly believe that the whole human race could benefit from such acceptance.


However I also see that there are certain subjects or topics where this often falls apart and personal biases and prejudices come to light. I believe last night this is what happened. I do not want to mention any names as I believe they are unimportant for this post and I hope to do my part to protect the innocent.


The topic that sparked this debate or argument was poly relationships. The original comment was well worded and not made personal, it was simply a generalization that it was not for him and his family. Unfortunately a comment from another class participant had been worded perhaps in a less than ideal way and certainly sounded judgmental and anyone in a poly relationship would have taken offense to it.


Of course there was at least one class participant that is in a poly relationship, which I already knew as I have seen him and his family at various discussions. He very eloquently argued of course in favour of poly but stated that it was not for everyone but also reaffirmed that judgement should not be passed by those from the outside.


I don't want to delve into details but I do want to comment on what I saw happen and will make my own comment and observation in this post in the hopes it gives another point of view.


I have mentioned poly in another of my posts, and although I am in a long term monogamous relationship I have met several poly families that I look at with a great deal of respect and in some ways envy. I don't look at these relationships and think the people are cheating, although I now that can happen in poly too, I don't see dissatisfied partners and I don't see people wanting their cake and eating it too so to speak.


I look at these families and see the very high degree of respect each member has for the others within the family. I see the high degree of communication, understanding, openness, and most of all the mutual respect, compassion and empathy necessary within such a dynamic. I envy these people in that they have reached a point where they are able to bring this to such a high level. To be honest I see some of these families and I think they may actually be happier than many monogamous families.


Of course I can not say this from experience and I am quite sure they have their own problems and hurdles to face. It is hard enough to make a relationship work between 2 people, heck I know people that can't get along with themselves let alone another person.


If we consider the math for a second. A simple 2 person discussion for a moment has the potential for 2 misunderstandings of what is being said between the people. In a 3 person dynamic this increases to a potential for 6 misunderstandings and by the time we get to a 4 person dynamic this increases to 24.


I also see an added benefit that these poly families have that most others do not. This was mentioned last night as well and made me smile. These poly families have, at least in some cases, an increased probability of making better and more informed decisions. There is at least one other party, with a vested interest in the relationship, to act as a sounding board and to help validate decisions. This I believe in fact can make these families stronger and more resilient than our traditional monogamous families.


It is also my belief that like most mammals on this planet we may not be hardwired for monogamy, but rather this is due to social pressures and expectations of others more than it is from nature itself. I am sure many have different opinions and that is their right, just as I have my own right to my opinion on this.


As we grow throughout life and transition from children into adults many of our personalities and beliefs are a result of instruction and “lessons learned”. I don't know if anyone even knows how much nature has to do with who we actually become or why.


If I consider this for a moment then I also have to accept that everything I believe may not be actually “my own” beliefs but rather those imposed on me in one way or another. This of course could also be debated and I know in the end there is no concrete answer for this and I accept that.


We all have our own beliefs, regardless of how they got there, and they will certainly not agree with others all the time. We only need to remember, and make conscious effort to keep it in check all the time if necessary, that our own beliefs are just that, our own, and they should never be imposed or even compared to those of others.


I have said it before but I will repeat it here also. I was once told that you never discuss politics or religion because an argument is sure to ensue for which there will never be an agreement. Over my life I have seen this come true, however I believe that perhaps a few other items should be added to that list; D/s related names and labels, and quite possibly relationships or at least types of relationships.


I dream of the day where everyone just gets along and is truly accepting of everyone around them without bias or passing judgement in any way. Unfortunately I am not so sure that day will ever come, but we all need a dream ... and goal ...