Initially when I first started to hint about D/s to my wife she was hurt and afraid. She knew nothing about it and thought it was simply a fancy name for an abusive and controlling, one-sided take it all relationship. Although I am not so sure she saw it as much worse than that.
Words of wisdom to anyone new that is reading this.
I will take this moment to provide a message from our sponsor, life.
What I have found to be the most important aspect of any D/s relationship is communication and trust. This communication must go both ways and notice I mentioned communication before trust. That was intentional because without the communication the trust can not happen. Sure you may need some degree of trust before you can communicate, but it is the communication that will help build a deeper trust. They are symbiotic.
This is something that all relationships must have, it is however mandatory and the primary requirement for any D/s relationship to even start.
Why D/s?
Well after being married for the past 14 years, and together for 15 years, in a monogamous relationship things slowly become comfortable and then seem to unfortunately slip into the monotonous and routine. It is never intentional but is seems that the feelings people have for one another take a back seat to everything else in life. I love my wife and wanted to do what I could to try and keep that from happening any more than is already had, and hoped that we could find a way to renew what we felt in those early years.
I had never been into a D/s or any BDSM lifestyle before, but had done a lot of reading to try and learn what I could about the internal dynamics. SL proved to be a valuable resource in this quest for knowledge as well when I suddenly realized that I could actually chat with people that had lived the lifestyle themselves.
My main attraction to D/s was its internal dynamic, the immensely deep bond created by the trust that was at the core of the relationship. I felt that if we could find a way to integrate this into our own relationship that it would facilitate everything else. Sure the sexual components also caught my interest, I am a guy after-all.
So now what?
That's easy you say. You go out and get a collar, slap it around her neck, lock it and throw away the key, and inform her that from now on you will do only as I say and when I say to, I now own you, now kneel before me!
Well, if that is how you think it works then you need to go back and do a LOT more reading and learning, this time with your eyes and ears open. It is nothing like that at all.
Unfortunately during my time in SL so far I have seen people that do think that is how it works. That is really sad to see.
So how do you start then?
I do not know if there is really a right way to start or not, but I would suggest that you do as I did and learn as much as you can. Talk to others, look into the interaction of couples in the lifestyle and see the inner meaning of what they do and why. If it starts to make sense then you may be ready to proceed, if it still doesn’t make sense then keep watching and learning.
My wife certainly took a bit, no, let's be honest here, a LOT of encouragement. She was terrified of what she believed D/s to be. So I backed off and tried to continue to learn and explore while dropping the odd hint here or there. There were some other things that also became catalysts but I will not go into them now, they may or may not become other blog entries. We will just say that over time she started to get a little curious about D/s and wanted to understand what it was.
Even at this time however I never expected us to start a D/s relationship. I knew her concerns and her fears and did not think she would come to terms with what I had said I would like for us. As she has done a number of times during our journey she surprised me. If you are reading this my dear I am so very proud of you.
It may have taken her longer to want to learn and understand but she did. She started to read a lot and talk with a few people we had met here in SL. As she learned she realized that D/s was not about abuse and control, there was something much deeper.
We started to talk a lot about D/s. I shared with her my feelings and what I saw within D/s that interested me. We even started to play around a bit with power exchange in SL in an informal way.
As a result of this we actually started to communicate. Sure we always talked, but now we were actually communicating. As we did this, it showed us both that there was a desire to see what this had to offer and really did open the door for the next chapter of our lives
To be continued...
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